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Monday, June 20, 2011

A Day of Mistakes

It was 2 am in the morning and I hear someone coming up the stairs. Don't worry, it wasn't a burglar, it was my son and he was crying. He has tissue on his nose and is upset it is another bloody nose and he is upset. I comfort him and after about 30 minutes it finally stops. It would have stopped earlier but he won't keep direct pressure on it so it stuck around for a while.

Well, now he is awake and so was I. I tried to go back to sleep but when an 8 year old with asperger's is awake in the middle of the night he has to be supervised. Bad things happen if he has the run of the house with no adults awake. I have had five pounds of coffee spread all over my living room, cement mixed with water on the living room rug and all my dry mixes, sugar, flour and eggs mixed together in the basement when he wakes up before a grown up.

I turned on the tv to shows he would be interested in around 4 am so I could at least rest a little. He went down for breakfast around 7 am and Daddy was upset with me because obviously I had given him a snack full of sugar that kept him awake all night. Never mind that he had fallen asleep no problem.

I am learning to not react as much when he screams at me for things that I had no control over. Finally the kids went to school and I managed to get to sleep around 9 am. So both adults in the house had no sleep last night. The Daddy was working and the Mommy was dealing with a child awake all night basically.

I knew this was a disaster in the making. It is the end of the school day and it was a half day. I was going to have to watch the children in the afternoon while Daddy slept. He has the job and makes the money so he gets to sleep. That is the theory and I tried to go with it.

It takes me a while to fall asleep and when I do it also takes me a while to wake up. This is nothing new and has been a thorn in our marriage for a while. I try to wake up, and most of the time I can and do. However there are some days that are harder for me to wake up from. Unfortunetly today was one of them and I admit that I asked for an extra 30 minutes of sleep.

He didn't like the request and instead of telling me that he needed me awake right then, or asking nicely for me to wake up again he didn't say anything and I assumed he was giving me the extra 30 minutes. I was wrong.

He told the kids he was leaving to go somewhere to sleep and in effect left two children unsupervised. Eventually my daughter came upstairs and asked me for some food. I thought 30 minutes had passed and she was my wake up call. Again I was wrong. It was the middle of the afternoon. I had slept the day away, and I knew my soon to be ex must be upset. I should have been awake hours ago. Not my proudest moment.

I came down stairs and Daddy was nowhere to be seen. She told me he left to get some sleep. I then noticed my son was not around. She told me he was playing with the hose in the back yard. He had made a huge puddle on the lawn and was playing in it. It was several inches deep. Visions of drowning and other assorted awful events went through my head. I didn't call up their father. I was mad, but I knew it was my bad too. When he finally came home I apologized and was going to drop it.

He however was not. He told me it didn't matter if I got no sleep over night his sleep was more important so his sleep was priority. I kind of agreed but he was screaming at me and verbally attacking me. I mentioned how he shouldn't have left with me asleep and no one supervising the kids. He told me that I was. Arguing was futile at this point in his mind he was in the right and he left me in charge of the kids it shouldn't matter if I am awake or asleep, in his mind anyway. We both were at fault and I needed to get away.

So I went to the bank to deposit a check my parents gave me for an early birthday gift. The money is to buy a garden planter that will allow for a garden that can be moved if necessary. I can finally get my vegetables planted and if vegetables aren't ripe when I move I can bring the garden with me.

Lucky me this caused another fight. He wanted me to go to the bank the check was drawn from and cash it there (paying a fee of course) then deposit the cash into our account. I told him I was going to the bank to deposit it and was not going to take the extra step. It was inconvenient and he was in charge of the kids until I come back.

At the bank I opened up my own checking account just in my name. Another step in the process of us separating and divorcing. The woman at the bank was so helpful and gave me wonderful advice. I see my psychologist on Thursday and my anxiety still at time is so bad that I can almost not function. How am I going to make it through the summer?

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