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Thursday, June 23, 2011

The End of the School Year - Anxiety for Mommy

The kids went to bed, it is the last school night of the year. My son is in the orchestra next year and got his chosen instrument - percussion! I am such a lucky Mommy. Drums, luckily I only need to buy him drum sticks and a practice drum pad. He is thrilled and went to bed tonight excited about getting his own drum sticks. Now it is quiet and I feel awful. What if I have to move out of the school district? What if he can't get drums in whatever school he has to go to? What if his asperger's is more of a problem in a new district?

The anxiety hit me like a freight train and I am out of my meds. I try to ground myself and relax. I used to be able to do this with no effort. When I was in labor with both children meditation helped me get through it all with no medication for my daughter and almost no meds with my son. Meditation and grounding was second nature to me. Now I am effected by anxiety with no notice.

The last couple days have been overall okay. I could almost forget that my marriage has fallen apart. I have been focused on the children's last week of school. My son has had fits of crying and sadness. Sometimes he was wandering around like a lost puppy. Then on the flip side he was thrilled that he could play with his friends longer and would almost be too silly at times.

My daughter and I have been planning her "Pinkalicous" birthday party. She has come up with so many ideas, most are the typical products of a six year olds imagination, but some of them are doable. So life has been pretty full and active this week. I don't think I have had much time to dwell on my own misery. Well, until today that is.

I am nervous about my psychologist appointment tomorrow. The last time I saw him I was focused on going back to school. My life has changed so much since then. Though he was the first one who opened my eyes to how my soon to be ex was treating me. He has worked with us both and actually fired my spouse because of his negative attitude.

I see my regular doctor on Friday. The meds that were prescribed to me worked some of the time and other times did nothing for me. The greater the anxiety the less likely the meds were going to work for me. Hopefully they can adjust them for me. They really did help when they worked.

I expected this time of year to be rough on the kids, I didn't know how difficult it would be on me. The good news is the last couple nights have been rainy nights. The sound of rain is a soothing sound to me and last nights all night lightning and thunder made me feel better. Maybe there will be more rumbling tonight.

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