Saturday, June 4, 2011
An Emotional Collapse
Up until tonight it has been civil. I have held myself together, you know putting on a brave front so the kids don't see how devastated I am. But he isn't working tonight. The kids are asleep and he in on the couch. Almost like a normal evening. I had to ask, I had to make sure he knew I wasn't backing down. He needs to seriously find another place to live. I am not cruel I am not going to throw him out with no place to go. It doesn't matter if I can think of a dozen places where he could go.
For years I have been telling him I needed help. I told him we needed help. I went to therapy and talked to him and when we walked out, with me feeling amazing because I thought we communicated he said it was a bunch of bull. So he wouldn't do therapy, he wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't be with me. It was him in the living room and me in the bedroom. There I stayed and stayed and died inside.
Instead of being part of my life he complained to whoever would listen. His wife wouldn't clean, his wife wouldn't spend time with him, his wife was distant. It never occurred to him that it might be connected to the years of pleas for help that came out of my mouth. I hid it from the world, but not from him. He would say it will all work out, but there was never a plan to make it work out. There was no map to get us to a happy ending. And the distance between us grew into a chasm.
Did he think I didn't notice the looks I got from his family and friends? Did he think I didn't notice how distant they became. Add to that the things he did and say to me and I shut down even more. Until the day I started this blog. Until the day I opened myself up to the world. That day I started to break free.
I can't help but wonder why all the people he complained to never thought to find out what was going on. Not once did any of them investigate further. No one asked me why wasn't I cleaning. No one asked why was I hiding from the world. Did they even notice. They do now. They check on him now. They see if he is okay. HE IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED!!!!!!! I am the one being ignored.
To be clear I didn't expect support from his family, but I didn't expect attitude from them. I knew I would be kicked out of my house and have to move with my children and disrupt their life because of his mistake. I didn't expect that if he had the children they could stay in the house. It is me that isn't wanted.
I have dealt with all of this this week and I am sure other things too. Then tonight he sits next to me on the couch like nothing happened. I lost it. I yelled and I screamed. I let it all out. How could he do this to me, to our children? So much emotion, so much pain came out. I cried and I was shaking. I am glad the kids were asleep.
How long until he finds a place to move to? If I can't handle one night of him being home how am I going to handle next week. He is on vacation, hoe can I avoid him? Do I stay upstairs all the time? Then it is his birthday and the kids want me to make a cake. They want to have a party. They want balloons.