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Thursday, July 21, 2011

He Still Can Make My Heart Skip a Beat

The artwork to the left was done by my son, he drew a beautiful tree in art class.

Why even though I know how awful he can be, and I know he can be very mean and not understand any point of view that is not his own does my heart still skip a beat sometimes when I look at him. He is applying for a job with better hours at several places this week. To help make a good impression he dressed up in a suit to drop off the applications. I didn't expect my reaction. He looked good and I was drawn to him. I didn't tell him how seeing him all dressed up made me feel. I tried not to look at him for too long. I didn't want to be sucked back in again. Just because he looked really good on the outside doesn't mean his insides changed. I feel like I passed a test. I can resist him.

Our daughter also felt that Daddy looked good. She asked him to dress like that all the time. She is only six and already starting to notice men and how they look. She told me tonight that a dancer we were watching on TV (Pasha on "So You Think You Can Dance" was hot, Mommy agreed by the way). So of course she liked the suit that Daddy was wearing. P still likes to play in the mud so he didn't really like the suit, it was not good for mud playing.

Tomorrow I finally get my own car, thanks to my parents and I have my first job interview for a teaching position on Friday. It is part time, only for the hours 2:00 pm to 6:30 pm, but while my soon to be ex has his awful night shift these are the best hours for me during the summer. I don't need to find day care for the kids and better yet because those are the hours I would normally be in contact with my husband I would see him almost not at all. For me that is ideal.

Taking our nightly walks makes the children tired enough to go to sleep quickly. That means I can go to sleep earlier so this week I have been more rested. I think that helped my mood this week too. Hopefully I can get this job so I can start setting aside money to move. That is the last thing I need to fall in place. I can see a light at the end of this tunnel, I hope that I keep getting close to it. I just have to keep away from him when he cleans up and puts on a suit.

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