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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

My Own Personal Volcano

Somedays are just harder for me. I have no idea why. I have two kids every day, I have to deal with my son's asperger's every day. I have to deal with life every day, but somedays just get to me more than others. The best theory I have is it is a build up of little things. How much pressure can a volcano take before it erupts?

I can feel the build up hours before the explosion. I know that it is coming and I do my best to avoid it. I remove myself from things that can increase the build up. I meditate and ground myself. I try to relax and try to keep it from getting worse. However as the day continues, more and more little things add to it. I sometimes know it is happening, but other times it just quickly builds without me not knowing why.

Today I could feel it. I know part of it is two of my children's friends. I get so nervous when they are here because one of them got hurt at another friends house and they are now being sued by these children's mother. Whenever they are here I am hyper vigilant and do my best to keep them supervised. But watching four children, two older boys and two younger girls can be difficult when they don't want to play together. It isn't like a school setting where they are in a classroom and in a regulated structured day.

Sometimes the boys go in a bedroom or in the basement, while the younger girls are painting in the kitchen. Other times one pair is inside and one pair is outside. I am sure I will figure out how to supervise them better. But today I think that is what started the pressure build up today. Then the little things added to it.

I hate nights like this, when I take acetaminafin because my head is throbing from the day, even though it didn't seem like a day that should have made my head feel like this. My children are bouncing and talking and to me it feels like they are jumping on springboards and their voice sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. I do everything I can to keep from erupting. Finally I try to explain to them how I feel. We have learned about volcanos together and tonight I told them at the end of somedays I feel like a volcano ready to explode. They seemed to understand and stopped bouncing and were more quiet than usual.

Once they went to bed I could take my meds. Luckily this is not something that happens often and 99% of the time only majorly effects me at the end of the day. I feel better now.

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