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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Shades of Gray in a World of Color

I can see the shades of gray, the world is not black and white. Something isn't always right or wrong. You can't measure who a person is in black and white. One of the beautiful thing of being alive is that you are constantly in a state of movement. One day you could like something or act a certain way and another day you are completely different. There is color and vibrance. A spectrum of life and I like to think that in the past couple years I have shifted my reality and have moved along that spectrum since I started this blog. Back then I was in a world of black and white, not much gray, I was different.

Once upon a time I lived on my bed. I curled up in a ball and hid away from the world. The house was a disaster and it got worse, I had no ambition and was a lump. If I had to do something I could act the part, but as soon as I could I retreated back into the safety of my bed. I was defeated and ready to quit.

But I didn't. I stopped my spiral towards the darkness and fought back. I started reaching out for help and I found out who cared about me and who I needed to get away from. As much as I hated being forced to move, it was a good thing. The agony of watching most of my possessions being thrown away when I was promised they would be safe until the weekend, did almost break me. I let it go as best I could.

My house remains cluttered at times and other times it is pristine, it reflects me. So many changes and so many improvements, but still I am not perfect. I do the best I can and with time will improve. If life were black and white two years ago it would have been black. Today in my mind it is white. I see the improvements, I know the struggles and I know what changes have been made.

In his eyes, in the eyes of those close to him however I never left the black. I am still a failure and I have not changed. It doesn't matter who much I have improved, I am far away from the white. They can't see any improvement and they only see the negative.

Of course life isn't black and white, there is a lot of gray, It is in those shades of grey that I dwell. I am better than I was, but not as good as I could be. I work to improve and I struggle every day to be better. When my moods shift back towards the darkness I fight to move towards the light.

More than that I need to focus on the color of life, for so long I have fought back to get away from the darkness that I almost forgot about all the color. He still sees the black, he still sees me as useless and unchanged. He sees the clutter as a disgrace, he sees it as failure. I remember what it was like when I stopped, and nothing was done. If that was black, I live in a world of color now. So much has changed, so much has improved, am I the only one who sees it?

In time the clutter too will fade away, but it will take time. I am who I am and I am where I am, that can't be changed in a moment. He says he grew up, he says I am a failure. I say that I am me and if you don't like it then walk away. I am starting to walk away, I don't like who he is and it hurts.

Then after all of the chaos, after all of the lies and all of the pain he looks at me and reminds me that "We still are on one". It is what he would say to me when we began, it was full of love and hope. Now it is full of woe and dread. I am done with these shades of gray and am going to find the color.

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful writing.

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  2. Thank you so much, writing is one of my pleasures in life.

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