Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Shades of Gray in a World of Color
Once upon a time I lived on my bed. I curled up in a ball and hid away from the world. The house was a disaster and it got worse, I had no ambition and was a lump. If I had to do something I could act the part, but as soon as I could I retreated back into the safety of my bed. I was defeated and ready to quit.
But I didn't. I stopped my spiral towards the darkness and fought back. I started reaching out for help and I found out who cared about me and who I needed to get away from. As much as I hated being forced to move, it was a good thing. The agony of watching most of my possessions being thrown away when I was promised they would be safe until the weekend, did almost break me. I let it go as best I could.
My house remains cluttered at times and other times it is pristine, it reflects me. So many changes and so many improvements, but still I am not perfect. I do the best I can and with time will improve. If life were black and white two years ago it would have been black. Today in my mind it is white. I see the improvements, I know the struggles and I know what changes have been made.
In his eyes, in the eyes of those close to him however I never left the black. I am still a failure and I have not changed. It doesn't matter who much I have improved, I am far away from the white. They can't see any improvement and they only see the negative.
Of course life isn't black and white, there is a lot of gray, It is in those shades of grey that I dwell. I am better than I was, but not as good as I could be. I work to improve and I struggle every day to be better. When my moods shift back towards the darkness I fight to move towards the light.
In time the clutter too will fade away, but it will take time. I am who I am and I am where I am, that can't be changed in a moment. He says he grew up, he says I am a failure. I say that I am me and if you don't like it then walk away. I am starting to walk away, I don't like who he is and it hurts.
Then after all of the chaos, after all of the lies and all of the pain he looks at me and reminds me that "We still are on one". It is what he would say to me when we began, it was full of love and hope. Now it is full of woe and dread. I am done with these shades of gray and am going to find the color.