Adventures in Cooking

I love to cook. I have used recipes as a guide but usually add a little here and change a bit there. Other times I just look at what we have in the pantry and create my own dish. Today was one of those days. I was just in a creative mood.

I started by dicing two small zucchini into small chunks and chopped up about a third of a medium size Vidella onion. I threw them into a frying pan with a TBSP of butter and cooked them until they were soft. Then I added a can of diced tomatoes and a small bag of frozen corn.

I added some salt and pepper but it was missing something. I have a bag of Key Limes and thought an acid would really perk this up. So I cut about 4 or 5 Key limes in half and juiced them over the pan and added some pulp. Wow it was fantastic, if I do say so myself. Even my super picky husband loved it.

My children however tell me it tastes like rotten tomatoes. Now they have never eaten a rotten tomato so I really don't know what they think a rotten tomato tastes like. They just like the most boring foods. Unless it is ice cream. I bet they would eat any flavor ice cream and love it. Though I think Zucchini flavor Ice cream would be a bit much.

Calgon Take Me Away

When we have a fight we can fight loud and with venom in our voices. Neither one of us wants to back down. I am no angel in a fight. I do try to stop them when I can. But I can only try to get me to stop. No matter what I do I can't get him to stop and often when I try it just becomes worse. I get physically ill after our fights and it can take a long time for me to come down after a fight,

When I catch us in a fight, sometimes they are sneaky and we end up fighting so slowly that all of a sudden you realize that you are fighting and ready explode. When I can catch myself and take a step back I usually ask him to just stop. Not to tell him what to do. Though usually when I say "Stop" he takes it as me trying to control him. He accuses me of not letting him say what he needs to.

I get so tired of the same arguments over and over again that I do ask him to simply stop so we can calm down and hopefully work things out without the arguing. The arguing has gotten so v=bad that sometimes I get ill after the argument. Sometimes it is in public or in front of the children. When I see a scenario like that occurring I ask him to stop.

When we are not fighting I mention to him why I ask him to stop. It is not to control him but rather to allow us a break and time to solve our problem after we cool down. I have suggested using a code word, but no matter how I try to stop the fight he has to continue it until he is done. It doesn't matter if I have even agreed to what his point is. He just has to get it out. It is like a compulsion for him.

The kids have noticed that we fight a lot. Other people have to. I admit my part in it. I am not perfect and when I get mad I can definitely explode. When I get real mad I sometimes find it hard to control myself. Sometimes I don't even know how I am behaving. It is like a switch is flicked on in my reign to stop me from being aware. Strong emotions can make my brain shut down. Once I was so mad I stood at a corner where there was a signal light and I didn't know if I could cross or not. I could see the color of the light and just could not remember if It meant go or stop.

I hate feeling that helpless and now if I find myself approaching that level of anger I do all I can to stop it. He has admitted to me that he doesn't care if it is a bad time or place for an argument. He has to say what he has to say when he has to say it and that is just the way it will be. So now to avoid the arguments from happening I stay in a different room from him and sleep in a different room from him. We have less arguments but we also have less good times too. I wonder if there is a solution to our arguments

Summer Projects and Plans

This is the time of year where I have so many ideas of how I want to improve my house and yard. I would love to put in a patio, get some lawn furniture and an awning for some summer fun. I would love a flagstone wall in the front yard around my flower gardens. I want to build an extension to my laundry room so I have room for sorting, folding and storing our clothes.

This year I also find my self wanting to do more for the Cub Scout pack. We want to expand by having a Boy Scout Troop for the Middle and High School boys. We have a summer Pack Camping coming up and I have visions of camp equipment going through my head. I know if I walk into Gander or EMS I will start drooling over all the camping supplies. I just had Liquid Fuel Training and am starting to think about camping stoves and lanterns.

Then I start thinking of things for the kids to do this summer. We already have Scouts and Soccer and today I stumbled up on an Irish Dance class for my daughter. I can't wait to sign her up. Luckily the summer program is a less expensive class so I can see if she likes it before I have to shell out the big bucks. I can't wait to watch her dance. It will be nice to have a Mommy/Daughter activity this summer. She gets so jealous of scouting sometimes.

I wish I could do more of the things I think of doing over the summer. All the ideas get whirled around my head as I dream about them. Most of them get put on hold because of money and/or time. Usually activities with the children get done and one or two smaller outside projects get done also. If I look back on summers past I will see projects eventually getting done, so I try not to feel defeated when the flagstone wall gets put off again.

I do try to get al least one Mommy Project done. Last year I had a couple gardens put in. this year I hope to improve on them by making them raised beds. Hopefully then the pond that my gardens became last year will just be a memory. I told the kids when the raised beds are done they will each have a small garden to call their own. Maybe that will help them to lean not to dig in Mommy's garden and ruin her flowers.

So I have all my summer pipe dreams and now I start the horrible task of deciding what I can realistically do on my budget and what projects will be set aside for yet another year. I know someday my summer projects will get done, unfortunately it just won't be this year.

My Son is Proud of Me

My son and I agree that one of the best decisions I have made was getting involved in the Boy Scouts of America. He is finishing up his first year in Cub Scouts this year. At the beginning of the school year I made the "mistake" of asking the powers that be at his school why there wasn't a pack at the school. They replied that it was a fantastic idea and I should get started on getting a pack started at the school.

So I called the Council Headquarters in our area and said I wanted to start a pack. Then I hounded them at Council because I hadn't heard a response back. I had a functioning pack started at my sons school at the beginning of the new year. Luckily I must have passed my enthusiasm on to the incoming parents because so many stepped up to help me get the pack started. I couldn't have done it without them and thankfully I have their help now to keep it going.

Today I had a full day of Baloo (Basic Adult Leader Outdoor Orientation) training at one of the local scout camps. Of course because we were supposed to be outside it poured. I thought it would have been better weather because I brought my raincoat. Usually that is enough to keep the "liquid sun" away. I was awake at 6:30 am to get ready to leave. If you know me you would know that this is a miracle. I am not a morning person. Not even a little bit. I was out of the house on the road at 7:00 am.

I have rarely had such a great time being awake that early. We would bounce from activity to activity and we didn't even really know what time it was. Gasp!!! I can't believe that I could function without a clock guiding me through my day. I am one of those people that has to know what time it is at all times. Well, the world didn't end today because I didn't know what time it was.

I also was amazed at how many people there today were people I knew, some through my past year in Cub Scouting, and some from my College days. It truly is a small world when you run into three people you knew from 25 years earlier at Cub Scout training. By the end of the day we all were friends.

I am signed up for more training next month. I know I will be involved with Cub Scouts for the long haul. My son is excited about going to summer camp and all the fun that he will have next year. He is going to march in a parade this month. Next month he will participate in a Flag Day ceremony at his grandparents Elk Lodge. I am so proud of him too. He brags to his friends that his mommy started a cub scout pack for him. I know he is proud of me too.

An Ordinary Day

Today was an ordinary day. Noting exciting and better yet nothing awful happened. We didn't fight and we managed to go to a family gathering without anything negative happening. I'll take a day like today, I would like a month like today. It was relaxing and low stress. Ordinary is what I want.

It was a birthday party for my nephew. My husband was sociable and pleasant to be around. It was like the first few years of our marriage. Those were the good years. The years when we had fun. The years when we didn't worry about money. Those were the years when I was working. I was able to get out of the house and mingle with friends on a regular basis.

We would be spontaneous and just do things in the moment. Oh how I miss those days. I miss playing poker and having a game night with friends. I miss quiet evenings at home where we would play a board game and be able to leave it set up overnight if we didn't finish playing it.

I love being a mommy, but I miss being a wife. Today being a mommy is how I function most of the time. Everyday I have to get the children to play nicely with each other, I have to keep them from hurting each other. I have to break up fights between all three other members of my family. Though today I didn't have to much of that.

Today was the kind of day I want more of. I want them to play outside with friends and not have to stand guard to make sure nothing horrible happen. I want to be able to talk with other adults without having to cringe whenever my spouse opens his mouth because I am afraid of what he might say.

I don't know what was different about today, but I didn't cringe when he spoke. I didn't worry that my son would hurt one of the other children playing with him. I sat down and talked with adults, I had my children playing nicely outside. I sat next to my husband on a couch and didn't pull away when he touched me. Today was just an ordinary day, a glorious ordinary day.

Changes Over The Years, Changes Yet to Come

In the last fifteen years I have done many things to better myself. I finished my bachelors degree, I am starting a master's program in education. When I suffered from post pardon depression I sought treatment. I try to be more physically fit, thought I admit that attempt at bettering my self doesn't seem to be panning out. I started driving even thought the thought of driving a car still terrifies me. I faced some of my greatest fears and didn't let them win.

I may not have taken advantage of all opportunities to better myself, I know I am not perfect and I definitely know I make mistakes, sometimes a lot of them. But I think the me of today is an improvement of the me that I was when we started dating.

Today I again discussed my husband having Asperger's Syndrome. He of course can't see it, I pointed out that he doesn't have good social skills, he doesn't understand body language or non-verbal communication. He got defensive right away. I am not a doctor so my skills in observation can't be right. No matter how many similarities I see between our son and him there must be another explanation.

A disagreement happened. I asked him to see a doctor if my observations don't matter. Even if it is ADHD, we can then get a diagnosis and a treatment plan. He refuses. He doesn't want to improve, he said he is happy just they way he is. The way he was fifteen years ago. I am sure some minor changes have occurred. He has a better job, he is a good father. So there has been some improvement.

He fights change, when we were given the opportunity to move out of our old house he almost wouldn't do it. The old house that I broke my ankle in, where I almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning, The old house that was falling apart around us, where there was a level 3 sex offender 7 doors away from us. The old house that was around the corner from a drive by shooting. In the neighborhood that I wouldn't take a walk alone in. I had to persuade him to move, He still says he would have rather stayed in that house and if we didn't have children we would still be there.

His job would pay for him to go to school, to get a college eduction and degree that could allow him to get a better job from his company. He had a bad first experience with college and won't try to go back to school because he assumes it will be the same. Even when I offered to help him he wouldn't risk the chance that it will be the same as he remembered it.

So he announced plainly and simply that he likes who is and he won't do anything different. He doesn't want to change. He is actually happy with the way we are now, separated but living in the same house, he in the living room and me in the bedroom. I am not going to live like this much longer. Once I can stand alone without him I think I will have to make a permeant break. I wonder what he will think of that change.

The Night of the Burning Ears

When my son hurts himself there is nothing little about it. The injury itself might be minor, it might be something that another person wouldn't even notice, but to him it is the worse thing ever. If you close your eyes and listen to him when he is hurt it sounds like he is dying. Unfortunately I have been listening to this expression of pain for so long that I don't jump when I hear that he is hurt. Usually it is a bump or scrape or maybe a minor cut.

For the last couple of months at bedtime he has been complaining of his ears burning. His ears do turn bright red and I know it must be bothering him. Though if you just listen to him and see the expression on his face you would think he is being tortured. This happens inconsistently and only at bedtime. At first we thought it was a tactic to get out of going to bed. We also thought maybe he was leaning on his ear and it was going numb.

Well, last night it was the usual cries of agony multiplied by at least ten. There was no comforting him. It was torture to me, not being able to help my child who was obviously in pain. Even if the pain is less than it sounds it still had to be pretty bad. He had tears running down his face and a look of fear because he didn't know what was happening. There was no comforting him. He wouldn't let us touch him and he was screaming so loud I thought the neighbors would call the police to make sure everything was okay.

So today I call the doctor, I wanted to make sure it wasn't an ear infection. I warned him that I might have to take him out of school for the appointment and I did. Once at the appointment and I described what was occurring he seemed to know what was going on. It sounds like he let his ears get too cold during the winter. Not quite frostbite cold but colder than recommended.

This is from the ears recovering from being too cold. It will eventually go away. So we just have to deal with it. Pain relievers may or may not work. The best solution he could give me was a tight headband holding his ears tight against his head. Pressure often seems to relieve the symptoms of this.

He will wear a knit hat and hood from now on in the winter. The only times I wasn't vigilant on his headwear this last winter was when he was playing at a friends or playing hockey with his father. I plan on having earmuffs, and all sorts of gear to put on his ears next winter. Now I have to hope that the worse nights of his burning ears are over and my nights will be scream free for a while.

I'm a Soccer Mom (Again)

This is the third year that I am a soccer mom. The first year was an indoor league. The last two have been outdoor leagues. This year my daughter is on a team too. She was so excited when I told her that the coach called me and they would be on the same team. All week she was counting down the days to her first soccer practice. This morning she woke me up by jumping on me and announcing that she had soccer practice today. She is getting way too good at days of the week.

As the day continued she went to school and home again, we picked up her brother and they grudgingly ate dinner. Practice got closer and closer. Finally it was 6:30 and they could bear it no longer, the wanted to go NOW!!! Never mind it was still 30 minutes before practice was supposed to start. They went to the car, opened the door and sat in the backseat waiting impatiently for Mommy and Daddy to get their acts in gear and get moving.

We get there and they run from the car to the soccer field. They don't know where they are supposed to meet their team, but they know where the soccer fields are so they bolt and then look for their team. Luckily I asked the coach what she looked like so I could find the kids team. We lead the children to her and introduced them to the coach. They looked like they would just burst from all the anticipation.

While we waited for the rest of the team to get there, remember we were pretty early, the kids had the full field to run around on and get some of that energy burned off.



Our daughter was actually leaping and jumping across the field.



Though they were both momentarily distracted by the track meet occurring right next to them.



They stretched...



They ran...



They worked on ball handling skills...



Practiced kicking...



Throwing the ball into play...



and Team Spirit.



They had a lot of fun...



They relaxed...



Made faces...



and Pouted.



All of the parents sat at the sidelines and cheered the children on. We laughed at some of the moments and fought the urge to run up to our children and help. The coach is a high school soccer player and she has such a great repore with the children. I think this will be another great season. May 30th is first game, the same morning as the Summit Walk for Autism. It will be a fun filled day for the whole family. Let's Go Sharks!!!!

I'm So Tired

I hate having to do everything. It's not that I need things done a certain way, I just need them done. I need the lawn mowed without the borrowed lawn mower getting a bent blade. I need things put way where they belong, not just shoved where ever they fit at that moment. I want to ask my husband for help around the house without having to wait for him to feel like helping me.

When I have to think about hiring someone to help me in the house when I have someone capable of helping me in the same house I feel cheated. I grew up watching my father help my mother around the house. When she needed shelves in the kitchen he built them. When she needed the lawn mowed he cut it. He took the garbage out, he did so much for her.

Today he can't walk and still he does things around the house. Not as much as he used to but he still does things. Why do I get the husband who does nothing? Why do I get the husband who sits on the couch and watches sports all day long? Why do I have the husband who tries to arrange bedtime for the kids around a whistle in a hockey game? Why does my husband try to get out of reading a bedtime story to the kids any chance he gets?

What is worse is he is perfectly happy doing nothing? Because he won't do anything I end up doing more and more until now happens. Until I find myself doing more and more and not able to finish most of it. I am overwhelmed and understaffed. I wish I had about 50 people to help me get his house back in order. The more I work on the house the more I find that needs to be done and the more I find I have to do on my own.

Mother's Day 2009

I woke up to both my children jumping up and down on the bed. I was presented with a piece of toast with salmon cream cheese (my favorite) on it. My children made it all by themselves. It was very yummy. Then came the cards. Of course they were Hallmark cards. It is an unwritten rule in our family that we only buy Hallmark cards. This tradition started when I was a child and my father was poking fun at the Hallmark commercials. He would always turn over the cards he got to make sure they were the best, Hallmark cards so we just started only buying Hallmark. Its funny how some traditions start.

My son also made me a box for seashells, a bank from a baby food jar and some very nice drawings. Then came the real gift. Daddy took the kids to Michael's yesterday for a Make and Take craft for Mother's Day. Both children made me a very nice charm necklace.



I have two of the same thing so I switched the chains. That way no matter which necklace I wear (and I can't tell the difference at all) both children contributed to it.

It has been a very nice Mother's Day. The only way it could be better was if it was warm enough to work in the garden. But I know what the weather is like here. So I do what I can when I can and stop hopping for more. Someday soon I will get the gardens al done, just not on Mother's Day.