Changes Over The Years, Changes Yet to Come

In the last fifteen years I have done many things to better myself. I finished my bachelors degree, I am starting a master's program in education. When I suffered from post pardon depression I sought treatment. I try to be more physically fit, thought I admit that attempt at bettering my self doesn't seem to be panning out. I started driving even thought the thought of driving a car still terrifies me. I faced some of my greatest fears and didn't let them win.

I may not have taken advantage of all opportunities to better myself, I know I am not perfect and I definitely know I make mistakes, sometimes a lot of them. But I think the me of today is an improvement of the me that I was when we started dating.

Today I again discussed my husband having Asperger's Syndrome. He of course can't see it, I pointed out that he doesn't have good social skills, he doesn't understand body language or non-verbal communication. He got defensive right away. I am not a doctor so my skills in observation can't be right. No matter how many similarities I see between our son and him there must be another explanation.

A disagreement happened. I asked him to see a doctor if my observations don't matter. Even if it is ADHD, we can then get a diagnosis and a treatment plan. He refuses. He doesn't want to improve, he said he is happy just they way he is. The way he was fifteen years ago. I am sure some minor changes have occurred. He has a better job, he is a good father. So there has been some improvement.

He fights change, when we were given the opportunity to move out of our old house he almost wouldn't do it. The old house that I broke my ankle in, where I almost died from carbon monoxide poisoning, The old house that was falling apart around us, where there was a level 3 sex offender 7 doors away from us. The old house that was around the corner from a drive by shooting. In the neighborhood that I wouldn't take a walk alone in. I had to persuade him to move, He still says he would have rather stayed in that house and if we didn't have children we would still be there.

His job would pay for him to go to school, to get a college eduction and degree that could allow him to get a better job from his company. He had a bad first experience with college and won't try to go back to school because he assumes it will be the same. Even when I offered to help him he wouldn't risk the chance that it will be the same as he remembered it.

So he announced plainly and simply that he likes who is and he won't do anything different. He doesn't want to change. He is actually happy with the way we are now, separated but living in the same house, he in the living room and me in the bedroom. I am not going to live like this much longer. Once I can stand alone without him I think I will have to make a permeant break. I wonder what he will think of that change.