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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Calgon Take Me Away

When we have a fight we can fight loud and with venom in our voices. Neither one of us wants to back down. I am no angel in a fight. I do try to stop them when I can. But I can only try to get me to stop. No matter what I do I can't get him to stop and often when I try it just becomes worse. I get physically ill after our fights and it can take a long time for me to come down after a fight,

When I catch us in a fight, sometimes they are sneaky and we end up fighting so slowly that all of a sudden you realize that you are fighting and ready explode. When I can catch myself and take a step back I usually ask him to just stop. Not to tell him what to do. Though usually when I say "Stop" he takes it as me trying to control him. He accuses me of not letting him say what he needs to.

I get so tired of the same arguments over and over again that I do ask him to simply stop so we can calm down and hopefully work things out without the arguing. The arguing has gotten so v=bad that sometimes I get ill after the argument. Sometimes it is in public or in front of the children. When I see a scenario like that occurring I ask him to stop.

When we are not fighting I mention to him why I ask him to stop. It is not to control him but rather to allow us a break and time to solve our problem after we cool down. I have suggested using a code word, but no matter how I try to stop the fight he has to continue it until he is done. It doesn't matter if I have even agreed to what his point is. He just has to get it out. It is like a compulsion for him.

The kids have noticed that we fight a lot. Other people have to. I admit my part in it. I am not perfect and when I get mad I can definitely explode. When I get real mad I sometimes find it hard to control myself. Sometimes I don't even know how I am behaving. It is like a switch is flicked on in my reign to stop me from being aware. Strong emotions can make my brain shut down. Once I was so mad I stood at a corner where there was a signal light and I didn't know if I could cross or not. I could see the color of the light and just could not remember if It meant go or stop.

I hate feeling that helpless and now if I find myself approaching that level of anger I do all I can to stop it. He has admitted to me that he doesn't care if it is a bad time or place for an argument. He has to say what he has to say when he has to say it and that is just the way it will be. So now to avoid the arguments from happening I stay in a different room from him and sleep in a different room from him. We have less arguments but we also have less good times too. I wonder if there is a solution to our arguments

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