Nothing is worse than the "good" days. They are not really good, just pauses in the bad. When we manage to have a conversation, when we spend some family time together I keep expecting it too break apart into chaos. The last few days have been okay. But still I fear tomorrow.
I don't just take it, I fight back when I can. Not with force, but by reflecting back to him what he is doing to me. He has know abuse victims in the past, one who is close to him. One that he would bend over backwards to help. Sometimes putting her in front of us. I have pointed out to him if her husband did to her what he does to me he would do all he could to get her out of there. He knows I write this journal. The only reason it bother's him is what if it effects his job. What would people think of him. "Well", I always say back to him, "I only write what you do to me. If you don't like your behavior change it!"
Of course in his mind I am at fault. I "provoke" (his exact word) so it is my fault. All arguments we have somehow are twisted in his mind to be caused by me. Inevitably when we fight he will tell me that I started it. I usually reply with it doesn't matter who starts it, I just want to end it.
So here I am in the midst of a series of good days. There has been no arguing, there has been no fighting. Though I stay away from him. I hide upstairs. I haven't been feeling well. I have an ache in my lower back, I wonder if it is real or is it my body giving me an excuse to hide from it all.
When he leaves for work I used to do my homework and prepare my lesson plans. I had work to devote myself too. Now when the kids go to sleep it is just me and the TV. I drink my cola and eat my dinner alone. How can have almost 500 friends on Facebook and be so alone.
My parents invited my family to a spaghetti dinner on Saturday. I haven't told anyone about it yet. I'm afraid to go with him, If he acts like he normally does I don't want him to go. If I take the kids alone and my son has an aspie moment I have to be with him and then what about my daughter. I hate that I have to think about things like this when I might want to go out with the family. My son and I both do not do well in crowds. So do I go and risk it, or do I spend the day home with everyone cooped up in this house.
What if the good days end before the weekend. I never know when they will end. I never know what triggers him. It is like a natural disaster. No warning, then total destruction.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
It Would Be So Easy
I can't remember the last time I left the house. I have one maybe two good friends, and I can't even remember the last time I saw them. It is so easy for me to hide away from the world. I type on my blog and make contact that way and shy away from human contact. This is more than just my "fear" that I have always known about. I don't know how to act in public. I am afraid that everyone is talking about me behind my back.
In high school I really didn't open up to anyone until my senior year. Then I had to do it all again in college. Somehow I managed to overcome my fear of public speaking enough to teach in the planetarium. I think it helped that it was in the dark and I couldn't see the audience.
My good friends that I still interact with regularly from high school number one, and she is the same one friend I still interact with on a regular basis from college. Oh I still keep in touch with many people from both periods of my life, but that is just done via the internet, and I am scared because my one face to face friend is slowly becoming an internet friendship too.
I wish I had someone I could go out with. The last two people I invited out for dinner with me never even bothered to reply. I can't go out on weeknights because he works. I don't even know anyone I can count on to be a sitter for my kids so I could go out. I have been so busy the last 18 months of my life going to school and doing my homework and writing lesson plans that now when I have time to do some fun things I don't know how to do it.
I have withdrawn so much from people even my mommy groups that I don't think if I reached out that anyone would join me. So here I am, sad and lonely. It can't be easy to live with. The depression gets to me, the anxiety gets so bad that I feel I am about to scream. My last shrink wouldn't or couldn't help me and I am looking for a new one.
No I am not saying that the problems in our relationship are my fault, I know that is not true. I am saying that I did contribute to some of it. Once upon a time we were happy. There was a time when my heart skipped a beat when he looked at me. I can still remember the first time I saw him. It was like time stopped for that moment and engraved itself into my memories.
I promise myself that I will call someone this week. I promise myself I will get the help I need. I promise myself I will reach out to real people and make contact more often. I can't hide away from life. It would be so easy, but I won't.
In high school I really didn't open up to anyone until my senior year. Then I had to do it all again in college. Somehow I managed to overcome my fear of public speaking enough to teach in the planetarium. I think it helped that it was in the dark and I couldn't see the audience.
My good friends that I still interact with regularly from high school number one, and she is the same one friend I still interact with on a regular basis from college. Oh I still keep in touch with many people from both periods of my life, but that is just done via the internet, and I am scared because my one face to face friend is slowly becoming an internet friendship too.
I wish I had someone I could go out with. The last two people I invited out for dinner with me never even bothered to reply. I can't go out on weeknights because he works. I don't even know anyone I can count on to be a sitter for my kids so I could go out. I have been so busy the last 18 months of my life going to school and doing my homework and writing lesson plans that now when I have time to do some fun things I don't know how to do it.
I have withdrawn so much from people even my mommy groups that I don't think if I reached out that anyone would join me. So here I am, sad and lonely. It can't be easy to live with. The depression gets to me, the anxiety gets so bad that I feel I am about to scream. My last shrink wouldn't or couldn't help me and I am looking for a new one.
No I am not saying that the problems in our relationship are my fault, I know that is not true. I am saying that I did contribute to some of it. Once upon a time we were happy. There was a time when my heart skipped a beat when he looked at me. I can still remember the first time I saw him. It was like time stopped for that moment and engraved itself into my memories.
I promise myself that I will call someone this week. I promise myself I will get the help I need. I promise myself I will reach out to real people and make contact more often. I can't hide away from life. It would be so easy, but I won't.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Wishes and Tears
My daughter is sleeping and I watch. She sighs and mumbles in her sleep as she rolls over. I can't help but cry. Here I am miserable and she is so happy. But I am about to completely turn her world upside down. I hate that I am going to make my babies cry. Either I leave or he does, I know that needs to happen. It looks more and more like I will have to be the one to leave and take my babies with me. I hate that I have to shake up their world more than it needs to be. I think I could make the phone call if I knew or even suspected that we could stay in this house.
I hate to say it, but I actually like this little house we live in. We haven't even been here a year, but I feel at home here. Well I would if I wasn't hiding in a bedroom trying to stay out of his way.
I tried to make the call tonight. I didn't do it. I don't want to call anyone.
I think I could just disappear into myself right now. Sleep is like a release to me. I have such nice dreams, dreams where I am happy and dreams where life is good. Instead here I am afraid, and miserable when I am awake. I emailed some old friends a few days away to ask if they wanted to have dinner with me. Days have gone by and there have been no replies. So I am hurt again, hurt and lonely.
I hate to say it, but I actually like this little house we live in. We haven't even been here a year, but I feel at home here. Well I would if I wasn't hiding in a bedroom trying to stay out of his way.
I tried to make the call tonight. I didn't do it. I don't want to call anyone.
I think I could just disappear into myself right now. Sleep is like a release to me. I have such nice dreams, dreams where I am happy and dreams where life is good. Instead here I am afraid, and miserable when I am awake. I emailed some old friends a few days away to ask if they wanted to have dinner with me. Days have gone by and there have been no replies. So I am hurt again, hurt and lonely.
Monday, January 10, 2011
A Bad Day
I managed to fall asleep as he came home. First thing he does is wake me up to ask me what I fed the kids last night. He gave me money to get the kids dinner. I fed them food we already had and didn't use the money. I didn't expect to be interrogated about it though. So i finally managed to get back to sleep and the next thing I knew it was time to pick the kids up after school. I went to pick up the kids and said that I was coming back upstairs when they got home. I didn't want to be downstairs with him, I knew he was waking up too. He got mad of course. Why was I acting like a blob and doing nothing he said to me.
I have been doing less lately, I just don't care anymore. When I am alone with the kids I am more active and focus on them. When they go to bed I start to clean and then I get mad. All I do to try to organize this house gets undone. The basement is still left like it was when our new dryer was delivered. The kids can't play down there, I asked him to move all the shelves and furniture back to its original locations and it has not been done. His reply to me when I asked him to do it, "Why can't you do it?"
Why can't I do it? I hear that when I ask him to do anything. He never wants to help me. And the few times he does help me he will remind me he did it over and over again. Like i should be honored that he did it.
Today was horrible. I went back upstairs and I snuggled in my bed. I was awake but under the covers. B and I were watching Billy the Exterminator. He comes upstairs and we discuss dinner. We agree the meat in our refrigerator should not be used and try to think of a dinner, I just wanted him gone. He was taking our son ice skating, peace was coming. So I said just pick something up on the way home. He was mad because I was watching tv and stormed off.
He came home after skating demanding dinner. Why didn't I make dinner. If he was going to be the one bringing home the money and buying the food then I should cook. I thought he was bringing home food for dinner so that's why I didn't make anything. He announces that he refuses to make dinner for the kids and I was told to make dinner so it was my job and I had to do it. Then he grabs the phone and storms off.
I stayed upstairs, one of two things would happen. He would feed the kids and leave me alone or he would not feed the kids and I would once he left for work. I knew if I went downstairs that we would fight and I didn't want that to happen in front of the kids. I stay away from him most of the time because I don't have the energy to fight with him anymore.
The same thing always happens when we fight. No matter what the fight is about in him mind I started it. It won't end until he says what he wants to say. If I don't say what he wants to hear he gets more upset. So I stay away to avoid them.
He is about to leave for work and he is still upset. I am a blob who does nothing, he has had enough and announces that he is calling him mother so she can kick me out. I can have all the furniture but how will I get a job, I will have no car. Our car was my car before the accident. It was bought to be my car, but he refused to let me register it in my name. He registered it in his name.
I told him that because I thought he was bringing home food, I didn't cook. Why would I? He turns around and says that he gave me money last night for food and I chose to feed them food we had already. So use that money for tonight. I find out he quizzed the kids on dinner last night to find out how much money I spent.
It all comes back to money. He has to know how much money on spend on what and if he doesn't approve of it the world ends. He will then bring up purchases that he doesn't like to use against you. Today he actually said that because I use paypal "all the time" he can't pay bills.
He controls the money, I sometimes spend it on things he doesn't like. I know that I will get yelled at. Even if I tell him my plans I never know when he is listening. I think I have permission, but sometimes he just answers not hearing what I say. I never know, it is like walking in a minefield. I know if I spend money there is a good chance I will get yelled at. i will be called names and I will be harassed.
I can't even grocery shop anymore. I love to grocery shop. I miss it. He took it over because he thinks I don't know how to do it. Like he pays the bills because I don't know how to do it. I know I am not as stupid as he trys to make me feel. Still I cry and still I hide away from him.
I have been doing less lately, I just don't care anymore. When I am alone with the kids I am more active and focus on them. When they go to bed I start to clean and then I get mad. All I do to try to organize this house gets undone. The basement is still left like it was when our new dryer was delivered. The kids can't play down there, I asked him to move all the shelves and furniture back to its original locations and it has not been done. His reply to me when I asked him to do it, "Why can't you do it?"
Why can't I do it? I hear that when I ask him to do anything. He never wants to help me. And the few times he does help me he will remind me he did it over and over again. Like i should be honored that he did it.
Today was horrible. I went back upstairs and I snuggled in my bed. I was awake but under the covers. B and I were watching Billy the Exterminator. He comes upstairs and we discuss dinner. We agree the meat in our refrigerator should not be used and try to think of a dinner, I just wanted him gone. He was taking our son ice skating, peace was coming. So I said just pick something up on the way home. He was mad because I was watching tv and stormed off.
He came home after skating demanding dinner. Why didn't I make dinner. If he was going to be the one bringing home the money and buying the food then I should cook. I thought he was bringing home food for dinner so that's why I didn't make anything. He announces that he refuses to make dinner for the kids and I was told to make dinner so it was my job and I had to do it. Then he grabs the phone and storms off.
I stayed upstairs, one of two things would happen. He would feed the kids and leave me alone or he would not feed the kids and I would once he left for work. I knew if I went downstairs that we would fight and I didn't want that to happen in front of the kids. I stay away from him most of the time because I don't have the energy to fight with him anymore.
The same thing always happens when we fight. No matter what the fight is about in him mind I started it. It won't end until he says what he wants to say. If I don't say what he wants to hear he gets more upset. So I stay away to avoid them.
He is about to leave for work and he is still upset. I am a blob who does nothing, he has had enough and announces that he is calling him mother so she can kick me out. I can have all the furniture but how will I get a job, I will have no car. Our car was my car before the accident. It was bought to be my car, but he refused to let me register it in my name. He registered it in his name.
I told him that because I thought he was bringing home food, I didn't cook. Why would I? He turns around and says that he gave me money last night for food and I chose to feed them food we had already. So use that money for tonight. I find out he quizzed the kids on dinner last night to find out how much money I spent.
It all comes back to money. He has to know how much money on spend on what and if he doesn't approve of it the world ends. He will then bring up purchases that he doesn't like to use against you. Today he actually said that because I use paypal "all the time" he can't pay bills.
He controls the money, I sometimes spend it on things he doesn't like. I know that I will get yelled at. Even if I tell him my plans I never know when he is listening. I think I have permission, but sometimes he just answers not hearing what I say. I never know, it is like walking in a minefield. I know if I spend money there is a good chance I will get yelled at. i will be called names and I will be harassed.
I can't even grocery shop anymore. I love to grocery shop. I miss it. He took it over because he thinks I don't know how to do it. Like he pays the bills because I don't know how to do it. I know I am not as stupid as he trys to make me feel. Still I cry and still I hide away from him.
So Many Fears
Lately all I have wanted to do is sleep. Living in this house is like being in prison. I don't want to cook or clean. My only joy is the time I spend with my children. Our landlord is his mother and I know as soon as I take a stand I will need to leave. I can see no way she will allow me to stay. Three of us will need to uproot our lives because I married a selfish person. I have nowhere to go. We have no place except this home, and it isn't even ours.
I look around the room I am in. I see my surrender to this life and I hate that I gave up. I'm afraid that when I get out I won't be able to make it. I'm afraid to take my children away from their father. How can I start a career after being a stay at home mom and be a single parent at the same time? I'm afraid to admit I made a mistake 15 years ago when I thought to myself "Wow, look at him!".
I'm afraid to be me again. Someone recently asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Such a simple question that when asked to a child will result in an endless reply or a list that one could trip over. I couldn't answer. Nothing came to mind. I could think of things for the kids. I could think of things to use around the house. I could not think of anything that I wanted for me. How much of my identity have I lost?
I gave up so much to be "his" wife. He didn't like my religion so I toned it down. Now my children don't know what my religion is and I hide it from the world. When we moved he didn't want to bring some things I loved here and I caved. So many things I wanted that he didn't have been lost in time.
I look around the room I am in. I see my surrender to this life and I hate that I gave up. I'm afraid that when I get out I won't be able to make it. I'm afraid to take my children away from their father. How can I start a career after being a stay at home mom and be a single parent at the same time? I'm afraid to admit I made a mistake 15 years ago when I thought to myself "Wow, look at him!".
I'm afraid to be me again. Someone recently asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Such a simple question that when asked to a child will result in an endless reply or a list that one could trip over. I couldn't answer. Nothing came to mind. I could think of things for the kids. I could think of things to use around the house. I could not think of anything that I wanted for me. How much of my identity have I lost?
I gave up so much to be "his" wife. He didn't like my religion so I toned it down. Now my children don't know what my religion is and I hide it from the world. When we moved he didn't want to bring some things I loved here and I caved. So many things I wanted that he didn't have been lost in time.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Why Can't I Make the Phone Call?
I know I need to get out. I have no choice. Why can't I take the first step? I know who/where to call, I looked it up. I found this.
Domestic Violence (DV) is abusive behavior - emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, sexual, or physical - that one person in an intimate relationship uses in order to control the other. Abusers use fear and intimidation to maintain power and control over their victims. Coercive tactics used by abusers include:
Emotional/Psychological Battering
verbal abuse (name-calling, belittling, swearing, screaming); isolation; limitation of free movement (taking keys away, refusing access to a vehicle or phone, restricting right to leave the house); stalking; sleep and nutrition deprivation; extreme jealousy; threat of abuse; killing or threatening to kill you, a loved, or even a pet
He calls me fat, which is true, but he uses it hatefully. He always calls me names when he is mad at me. Lately he has been telling me how useless I am and no other man would want me because I am fat and lazy. (keep in mind I have not once been anywhere near skinny in the time he has know ne so my weight should be no surprise to him) He swears at me all the time, we all yell, But I try not too. Today he threatened to kill our pets.
Financial/Economic Control
withholding food or money, lying about assets, not allowing access to school or work, destruction of property, on-the-job harassment
He gets mad at me when I spend any amount of money, it doesn't matter what I spend it on. He doesn't give me cash unless I ask for it and then it is the minimal amount. I can get money out of the bank, but he is so onsessive about our money that if I take any out and he doesn't want me to have it he will yell, scream and fight with me about it. To the point that I have started to hide money and say I spent on something he approves of so I have it when I need it.
Spiritual Abuse
Undermining one’s faith, denying access to faith communities, using holy books and reading to maintain power and control
He makes fun of me because of my religion. He refuses to let me practice it in the home.
Sexual Violence
accusations of infidelity, forced sexual activity, marital or acquaintance rape, sexual abuse of your child
Nothing here
Physical Abuse
hitting, slapping, kicking, shoving, pushing, denial of medical care or medication, punching, using or threatening to use a weapon
He has pushed me, shoved me, hit me, and spits on me.
Add to all of that as if I can take any more are the love letters I have found to other women, emails to strangers seeking sex, and finding a condom in our car. Then of course the mystery two - three hour drives to the store or to get gas.
I wish I had a place lined up to go with the kids and pets. I think we all have had enough. I am so broken and sad. I feel so alone and depressed. I'll call my doctor tomorrow to see if he can adjust my meds. I have so many calls to make, I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone.
Domestic Violence (DV) is abusive behavior - emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, sexual, or physical - that one person in an intimate relationship uses in order to control the other. Abusers use fear and intimidation to maintain power and control over their victims. Coercive tactics used by abusers include:
Emotional/Psychological Battering
verbal abuse (name-calling, belittling, swearing, screaming); isolation; limitation of free movement (taking keys away, refusing access to a vehicle or phone, restricting right to leave the house); stalking; sleep and nutrition deprivation; extreme jealousy; threat of abuse; killing or threatening to kill you, a loved, or even a pet
He calls me fat, which is true, but he uses it hatefully. He always calls me names when he is mad at me. Lately he has been telling me how useless I am and no other man would want me because I am fat and lazy. (keep in mind I have not once been anywhere near skinny in the time he has know ne so my weight should be no surprise to him) He swears at me all the time, we all yell, But I try not too. Today he threatened to kill our pets.
Financial/Economic Control
withholding food or money, lying about assets, not allowing access to school or work, destruction of property, on-the-job harassment
He gets mad at me when I spend any amount of money, it doesn't matter what I spend it on. He doesn't give me cash unless I ask for it and then it is the minimal amount. I can get money out of the bank, but he is so onsessive about our money that if I take any out and he doesn't want me to have it he will yell, scream and fight with me about it. To the point that I have started to hide money and say I spent on something he approves of so I have it when I need it.
Spiritual Abuse
Undermining one’s faith, denying access to faith communities, using holy books and reading to maintain power and control
He makes fun of me because of my religion. He refuses to let me practice it in the home.
Sexual Violence
accusations of infidelity, forced sexual activity, marital or acquaintance rape, sexual abuse of your child
Nothing here
Physical Abuse
hitting, slapping, kicking, shoving, pushing, denial of medical care or medication, punching, using or threatening to use a weapon
He has pushed me, shoved me, hit me, and spits on me.
Add to all of that as if I can take any more are the love letters I have found to other women, emails to strangers seeking sex, and finding a condom in our car. Then of course the mystery two - three hour drives to the store or to get gas.
I wish I had a place lined up to go with the kids and pets. I think we all have had enough. I am so broken and sad. I feel so alone and depressed. I'll call my doctor tomorrow to see if he can adjust my meds. I have so many calls to make, I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thanksgiving 2010
I am student teaching this year and was thrilled when I saw my school had Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off this year. Five glorious days of no lesson plans. Looking back now I think that teaching might have been okay. My Thanksgiving Break has been blur of excitement, chaos, and a bit of disaster thrown in to keep us on our toes, maybe off of them now that I think of it.I got home from school on Tuesday full of anticipation. My mom had volunteered my house for Thanksgiving this year. True I have a dining room now, but my house is a bit on the small side. It was just my family, my brother's family and my Grandma so I thought it was manageable.
Well, then I found out that my Aunt and Uncle were going to be her. Okay, two more people, I think I can still manage, they volunteered to bring Apple Pie and Sweet Potatoes. Less work for me! Then when my brother was over baking pies for Thanksgiving my cousin from Chicago called to say he and his wife would be in the area. Could they stop by? Of course I said yes, I haven't seen them in years.
Oh, I need to back up a bit, back to Tuesday. Two hours after I got home from teaching I started to get sick. Not just a little cold, I had aches, a head ache, sore throat, sneezing and coughing. Of course I would wait until I was off of school to get sick. I managed to be social when my brother was over baking, but then I crawled into a box and hid from the world. When the kids went to bed that night I too went to bed hoping that I would be better for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving Day is the day we eat with my husbands family. I was miserable. I decided not to go to dinner, not wanting to get anyone else sick. My husband offered to bring me a plate of leftovers and I crawled back into bed. When I woke up, they had just come back, but they forgot the leftovers. So no turkey for me on Thanksgiving.
Friday I woke up feeling much better. This was the day the family descended on my house for our Thanksgiving dinner. It has been a long tradition to have a Friday Thanksgiving to help families not have to fit two dinners into one day. The house was almost ready and I ventured out to the store to get the ingredients for the dishes I was making. It is much easier grocery shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. All the crowds are in the Malls or Department stores and the grocery store is nice and quiet.
My husband was grumpy, how dare I get "shmoed" into hosting Thanksgiving. What was I thinking? Then he found out I was cooking food and he went ballistic. I don't know why it didn't occur to him that I was cooking. I told him what I was making Brussels Sprouts and Oyster Stuffing. Did he think they were just going to materialize at the table? So I am dealing with Grumpy and I trying not to get mad. I know he is looking for an excise to leave the house, like he does before any party we have. That way he doesn't have to do any final prep work. He will deny it, but we have had four events at the new house and he has waled out of the prep work for three of them.
People start to arrive and I am still cooking. My cousins from out of town actually come at the time they are told, unlike the rest of my family who will come an hour later. So of course I am still cooking. I turn the oven on to keep my Brussels Sprouts with Apples warm and soon smoke starts filing the house. The pies that my brother made overflowed and there was ick on the bottom of my stove that was burning. It was bad, people had to leave the house.
Somehow I managed to get it all done just in time for dinner. My Father and Grandmother got into the house, they have a hard time walking and going up stairs. We managed to get enough chairs and table space in the house. Dinner was served. I did have to make more rolls mid meal and we ran out of dark meat, of course because that is my favorite. We started to chat and laugh and then there was a knock at the front door.
We all were there and I never use the front door. We all stopped talking (if yo knew my family that alone is an accomplishment) and I got up to open the door. I was surprised to find another cousin, his wife and baby daughter at my door. They had come all the way from Pennsylvania and surprised us all. His parents were with us and they too had no idea that they were coming. Grandma would be able to meet her great grand-daughter finally.
The whole meal and conversation afterwards took less than five hours. A new generation of cousins met and played together for the first time. My daughter and my cousins daughter discovered a tickling game and that entertained them for quite a long time while the grown ups caught up with each other. Then just a suddenly as it began the house was empty once again. I had survived hosting my first Thanksgiving Dinner.I went to bed that night exhausted and announced that I would be sleeping in the next morning. I love when I can sleep in and since my husband was home I knew I could. It was a nice calm relaxing night and then in the morning the phone rang. I looked at caller ID and saw it was mom. I assumed she was arranging to pick up the TV tables and chairs that she had brought over. I was wrong!
She was frantic and I knew something bad had happened. My father had fallen in the kitchen and probably broke his leg. She needed someone to come over to help them. I ran down stairs and dragged my husband out of the shower. I knew he would be able to help pick my father up. He quickly got dressed and got over to my parents house.
It was more than the two could safely do. They ended up calling 911. My mom said it was like a parade of fire fighters, paramedics, and police in the house. She stopped counting at twelve. They took him to the VA hospital and my husband came home.
It turns out that my dad fell and twisted his leg under him as he fell. He broke both bones below the knee and one of the breaks is five inches long diagonally across the bone length wise. He will be in the hospital for at least 10 days and as of right now he might need surgery to hold the bones together.
That night we set up our Christmas Tree and the children decorated it. We topped it with a santa hat and reminisced about our blur of a holiday. Everyone says they are looking forward to me hosting it again next year. I just hope that we all stay in once piece next year.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I Am Not The Only Reason
According to him I have started every argument we have had and I am the one at fault or all our problems. When I speak back to him what he says to me he says I am putting words into his mouth. I admit I rephrase it. When he says I start every argument, to me that says he doesn't start any of them. Obviously he thinks he is not at fault for any of our problems. I know I am not perfect. I definitely have started many of our fights, but absolutely not all of them. I try to point out to him that logically I can't start all the fights. He just can't see it.
I get so frustrated and feel defeated. He hardly ever apologizes for being a jerk, because in his mind he has done nothing wrong. When I do get the rare apology, he will point out that he did say he is sorry and that I still am upset so why should he apologize if I still am upset.
My patience has been worn down to almost nothing and with each passing week, month and year I feel like am closer to snapping. I never know when he is going to be irrational.
If you believe him, he never raises his voice or yells. He never starts an argument and he never makes a mess.
He thinks it is okay to hang up on me when he doesn't want to hear what I am saying when we are on the phone. Sometimes he doesn't even have the phone up to his ear when we are talking because he doesn't want to listen to me. He has even told me that if he thinks I am saying something that doesn't interest him that he just tunes me out. Then when I ask him if he heard me he gets upset.
He also gives me no indication to let me know if he heard me. There is no eye contact and not even a nod of acknowledgment. When I ask him to reply or ask if he heard me (remember he says he tunes me out) he raises his voice (because he NEVER yells). I can look right at him and see that his mouth doesn't move, there is no sound and his head doesn't move. He then will swear he answered me out loud or nodded his head to answer.
I guess I just wanted to vent tonight. We had an argument earlier and he again told me that I am always to the one to start the fights, but when I said he wasn't perfect he replied that he didn't say that. Well that is how I interpret it when he says he never starts to arguments or yells.
I just have to remind myself that I am not the only one at fault in this marriage. I am not perfect, I know I can be difficult to live with, but I am not the only reason this marriage is failing. However I do believe I was the only one trying to save it.
I get so frustrated and feel defeated. He hardly ever apologizes for being a jerk, because in his mind he has done nothing wrong. When I do get the rare apology, he will point out that he did say he is sorry and that I still am upset so why should he apologize if I still am upset.
My patience has been worn down to almost nothing and with each passing week, month and year I feel like am closer to snapping. I never know when he is going to be irrational.
If you believe him, he never raises his voice or yells. He never starts an argument and he never makes a mess.
He thinks it is okay to hang up on me when he doesn't want to hear what I am saying when we are on the phone. Sometimes he doesn't even have the phone up to his ear when we are talking because he doesn't want to listen to me. He has even told me that if he thinks I am saying something that doesn't interest him that he just tunes me out. Then when I ask him if he heard me he gets upset.
He also gives me no indication to let me know if he heard me. There is no eye contact and not even a nod of acknowledgment. When I ask him to reply or ask if he heard me (remember he says he tunes me out) he raises his voice (because he NEVER yells). I can look right at him and see that his mouth doesn't move, there is no sound and his head doesn't move. He then will swear he answered me out loud or nodded his head to answer.
I guess I just wanted to vent tonight. We had an argument earlier and he again told me that I am always to the one to start the fights, but when I said he wasn't perfect he replied that he didn't say that. Well that is how I interpret it when he says he never starts to arguments or yells.
I just have to remind myself that I am not the only one at fault in this marriage. I am not perfect, I know I can be difficult to live with, but I am not the only reason this marriage is failing. However I do believe I was the only one trying to save it.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
What I Found in the Car
Last night we had a fight and my husband stayed out all night. He thought I had kicked him out. In truth I did ask him to leave, but it was so we could cool down. I discovered he was gone all night when my daughter woke up from a bad dream. But do I really care anymore?
I decided to have a talk with him today. He is more often than not, grumpy, moody, and withdrawn from all of us. He will focus on hockey, but not what is happening around him. When he does interact with us, it mostly is because he is mad. He will yell or raise his voice with out any warning sometimes. He swears and calls me horrible names. Names that if his sister's fiance called her he would be furious.
So I discussed it with him and it really boiled down to he is worried about money. To the point that he is almost obsessing over it. Because I am not as worried as he is he sees that as a weakness. so we talked and we argued a little, but it was productive I thought. Well, that was until I went to the store.
I went to one of the stores that makes you put a quarter in the shopping cart to use it. And all the change in the car had vanished. So I started going through the car and I found a condom. Yes a condom. We don't use them so I can think of no reason for one to be in my car that is legitimate. I am not stupid I know what it is there for.
I have caught him writing love letters to another woman, I caught him using Craigslist to try to find someone else to have sex with and now I find a condom in our car. Why do I keep giving him chances?
When I got home I sent the kids upstairs to watch TV and closed the door. I asked my husband if there was anything in the car he didn't want me to find. No nothing he says. So I show him the condom. He said that he bought it because he thought I kicked him out of the house. Really, that was not even a full day ago.
I told him that there are no more chances. He needs to focus on the family and his behavior. He has to stop spitting, throwing things, swearing in front of the kids, calling me names, and stop the sexcapades. If they don't stop he has to move. I am not uprooting the kids because of his poor decisions. I don't care who the landlord is. I am almost to the point where I can start earning money. I get my degree in the beginning of January.
I don't trust him and I don't think he can change. I hope he can, but I have serious doubts. Come 2011 I may be a single mom and that scares me.
I decided to have a talk with him today. He is more often than not, grumpy, moody, and withdrawn from all of us. He will focus on hockey, but not what is happening around him. When he does interact with us, it mostly is because he is mad. He will yell or raise his voice with out any warning sometimes. He swears and calls me horrible names. Names that if his sister's fiance called her he would be furious.
So I discussed it with him and it really boiled down to he is worried about money. To the point that he is almost obsessing over it. Because I am not as worried as he is he sees that as a weakness. so we talked and we argued a little, but it was productive I thought. Well, that was until I went to the store.
I went to one of the stores that makes you put a quarter in the shopping cart to use it. And all the change in the car had vanished. So I started going through the car and I found a condom. Yes a condom. We don't use them so I can think of no reason for one to be in my car that is legitimate. I am not stupid I know what it is there for.
I have caught him writing love letters to another woman, I caught him using Craigslist to try to find someone else to have sex with and now I find a condom in our car. Why do I keep giving him chances?
When I got home I sent the kids upstairs to watch TV and closed the door. I asked my husband if there was anything in the car he didn't want me to find. No nothing he says. So I show him the condom. He said that he bought it because he thought I kicked him out of the house. Really, that was not even a full day ago.
I told him that there are no more chances. He needs to focus on the family and his behavior. He has to stop spitting, throwing things, swearing in front of the kids, calling me names, and stop the sexcapades. If they don't stop he has to move. I am not uprooting the kids because of his poor decisions. I don't care who the landlord is. I am almost to the point where I can start earning money. I get my degree in the beginning of January.
I don't trust him and I don't think he can change. I hope he can, but I have serious doubts. Come 2011 I may be a single mom and that scares me.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Flyer that Started it All
I never know what will set him off. Sometimes it is so random that I am amazed how such a trivial thing can escalate into a huge battle. Tonight was one of those times. This was my last week at my first student teaching placement and I neglected the house somewhat. It is nowhere near as bad as it once was but it is cluttered. So this evening I spent some time cleaning, starting with our room. I do a lot of lesson prep up there and many things get scattered around. Someday I will get that desk chair so I can utilize my desk.
I straightened up the room, he did some laundry. Everything was going smoothly until I sat down to watch Hell's Kitchen. It probably started when I told him there was only one episode on our DVR list and I didn't know if that was the one he saw. Why this made him raise his voice to me I don't know? He explains to me rather loudly that he watched an episode without me and what was the last episode I saw. We get louder as I try to say I don't recall what happened and why can't we just look at the episode we have recorded instead of arguing. I am using my teacher voice because I am trying not to escalate this any further. He goes upstairs to get our daughter to go to sleep.
Finally he comes down and this is the episode he saw, so I have to watch it to catch up. No worries. I start to watch it and he starts to clean in the living room. I see he is about to throw away items from the kids school folders that they brought home today. Things I separated out to review this weekend. SO I ask him not to throw away a flyer. It is for the kids Halloween party at school and the kids really want to go. Tickets are just $2.00 each for the kids. We can do that I thought so I set the form aside to fill in and send in with money on Monday.
Okay true I didn't discuss it with him, but he will be going to work at the same time the event is and it is not a lot of money. Plus I have the car at night so there should be no problem. I was wrong!
He gets mad that I want to save the flyer. I am going to fill our house with useless paper and I save too much clutter. So and so keeps a neater house than we do and why can't we do that? Plus, he continues, we can't afford the money for the party and I just let the kids do whatever they want. So I take a deep breath and try not to react to the bait. Then I notice him not looking at what he is throwing away and again it is something I wanted to save. So of course I say something and he flips out.
Granted I could have put them in a better spot, but he also could have looked at what the paper was and maybe read it. He could have asked if I wanted it. In fact he actually asked me "How am I supposed to know you want to save the paper, it looks like garbage to me." I suggested he ask. That was not the answer he wanted and he screams that then it would take ten years to clean.
I know he doesn't like to read, but sometimes it is amazing what he won't read. When asked to pass a specific salad dressing once he asked which one was that dressing. We all responded that maybe he should read the bottle. It just doesn't occur to him to read the label, or read the words on a piece of paper to see if it important. I worry that our children will pick up that habit.
He has stormed out of the house again. I try not to engage in the fight that I know is about to happen, sometimes it is like a tidal wave, it just can't be avoided. Luckily my tactics to avoid his bait sometimes do work and some arguments have been avoided. Still I can't help but think that he purposely tries to start these arguments. He yells so much, and so quickly that it almost is like his normal speaking voice now. Now the kids are yelling more and I know they are getting it from us. I have mentioned that to him and he just tells me to shut up. He won't believe anyone that children learn what they live.
I did rescue the flyer and I will send it in with the $4.00 that according to him will break the bank. I guess I will have to give up a couple pops this week because he won't give up his Tim Hortons every night. Halloween is a magical time of the year and I will do all I can so my children can enjoy it.
I straightened up the room, he did some laundry. Everything was going smoothly until I sat down to watch Hell's Kitchen. It probably started when I told him there was only one episode on our DVR list and I didn't know if that was the one he saw. Why this made him raise his voice to me I don't know? He explains to me rather loudly that he watched an episode without me and what was the last episode I saw. We get louder as I try to say I don't recall what happened and why can't we just look at the episode we have recorded instead of arguing. I am using my teacher voice because I am trying not to escalate this any further. He goes upstairs to get our daughter to go to sleep.
Finally he comes down and this is the episode he saw, so I have to watch it to catch up. No worries. I start to watch it and he starts to clean in the living room. I see he is about to throw away items from the kids school folders that they brought home today. Things I separated out to review this weekend. SO I ask him not to throw away a flyer. It is for the kids Halloween party at school and the kids really want to go. Tickets are just $2.00 each for the kids. We can do that I thought so I set the form aside to fill in and send in with money on Monday.
Okay true I didn't discuss it with him, but he will be going to work at the same time the event is and it is not a lot of money. Plus I have the car at night so there should be no problem. I was wrong!
He gets mad that I want to save the flyer. I am going to fill our house with useless paper and I save too much clutter. So and so keeps a neater house than we do and why can't we do that? Plus, he continues, we can't afford the money for the party and I just let the kids do whatever they want. So I take a deep breath and try not to react to the bait. Then I notice him not looking at what he is throwing away and again it is something I wanted to save. So of course I say something and he flips out.
Granted I could have put them in a better spot, but he also could have looked at what the paper was and maybe read it. He could have asked if I wanted it. In fact he actually asked me "How am I supposed to know you want to save the paper, it looks like garbage to me." I suggested he ask. That was not the answer he wanted and he screams that then it would take ten years to clean.
I know he doesn't like to read, but sometimes it is amazing what he won't read. When asked to pass a specific salad dressing once he asked which one was that dressing. We all responded that maybe he should read the bottle. It just doesn't occur to him to read the label, or read the words on a piece of paper to see if it important. I worry that our children will pick up that habit.
He has stormed out of the house again. I try not to engage in the fight that I know is about to happen, sometimes it is like a tidal wave, it just can't be avoided. Luckily my tactics to avoid his bait sometimes do work and some arguments have been avoided. Still I can't help but think that he purposely tries to start these arguments. He yells so much, and so quickly that it almost is like his normal speaking voice now. Now the kids are yelling more and I know they are getting it from us. I have mentioned that to him and he just tells me to shut up. He won't believe anyone that children learn what they live.
I did rescue the flyer and I will send it in with the $4.00 that according to him will break the bank. I guess I will have to give up a couple pops this week because he won't give up his Tim Hortons every night. Halloween is a magical time of the year and I will do all I can so my children can enjoy it.
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