Funny How Petty Little Things Bother Me

This is my Mom's obituary.  Neither my brother nor myself wrote it.  Everyone I read it I get annoyed because of the order of names.  Order of birth and actual siblings before in-laws in my opinion.  I admit it, I'm petty sometimes.  Maybe now that I have said it kind of outloud I can let it go.

June 10, Year – Aug.20, 2014

L E M, of K, a retired special-education teacher for the (name of a school district), died Wednesday in (Name of the Hospital,) T T, after a brief illness. She was 74. 

Born L J in Brooklyn, she moved to the (voided out where she lived) area with her family around 1945. She and her twin brother were one of seven sets of twins to graduate from (name of school)  in 1958. 

She graduated from College with a degree in special education.

Mrs. M taught at (Name of School) for the majority of her more than 30 years in teaching.

Her family said she enjoyed working with special-needs children and watching them blossom. 

She married MM on Date, Year, and settled in K.

Mrs. M was an active member of Lodge #, Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks, where she became one the first female exalted rulers of the lodge after the national organization allowed women to be full members. 

In addition to her husband, she is survived by a son (my younger brother), S; a daughter, L (me); her mother, H; a brother, R (her youngest sibling); three sisters, V (in-Law), G (mentioned her last name) and C (funny did't mention her last name only G's last name) ; and five grandchildren.

A memorial Mass will be offered at 10:45 a.m. in the chapel of name of church Catholic Church, Address, TT.

There will be a memorial gathering at 7 p.m. Tuesday at the Elks Lodge, Address, Town.

One Year Ago...

     I remember the drive back from Pennsylvania.  I had no idea if I could make it.  Four hours in my car knowing that when I arrived I had to go to the hospital and sign the papers that would allow the doctors to take my mother off life support.  Luckily my daughter was with me and we listened to loud music to distract us.  Singing at the top of our lungs and keeping out minds off of the fact that my mom, her grandma was lying in a hospital brain dead and that I had to sign the DNR papers at the hospital that night after I got home.

     I dropped her off at her father's house and asked her if she wanted to say goodbye to grandma before we disconnected her.  My mom had signed a Do Not Resuscitate order.  That took all the stress of having to make the decision off my shoulders.  In a pinch my brother could do it, but I was her Health Care Proxy and I knew I had to.  She picked me for a reason.

     That night before everything was disconnected my daughter chose to go to the hospital and say good bye.  My son didn't want to and I didn't for him.  We all had to handle this our own ways.  My little one went up to Grandma in her bed.  The sound of beeping and oxygen filled the air and she told Grandma how much she loved her and would miss her.  She took Grandma's hand in her own and said good bye.  Tonight would deb the last time she would be with the woman who helped raise her, who spoiled her and loved her.  My little girl was so brave.

     The nurses disconnected everything and we settled in for al on night, Moms sister came to spend time with us.  My brother's wife and oldest son were there.  Everyone had someone to comfort them and I was all alone.  My ex picked up our daughter and barely acknowledged my pain.  Is it selfish to have wanted someone with me to hold me while I watched my mother die?

     She didn't go that night, nor the next.  In fact it wasn't until she was moved into a private room and we had a hissy fit when we discovered the nurses put her on oxygen despite the fact we specifically said she wasn't to be put on oxygen.  She hated being connected to oxygen and the possibility of her passing while connected to it was too much for us.

     That night in the hospital we reminisced on how she started her life.  When my grandmother was pregnant with my mother she was under the impression that she was having one baby. Little did she know that my mother was lurking with Uncle Bill just waiting to be born. When the time came she went to the hospital and the doctor delivered a health baby boy (My Uncle Bill). Job well done the doctor thought one mom and one baby. 

The nurse was massaging (it doesn't feel like a massage,lol) grandma's stomach to help everything along and wait what was that? It can't be? Doctor! Yes there was my mother stubborn even before she was born not wanting to come into the world with her brother. Now, she doesn't want to follow him out of this world. She is holding on and being her lovable stubborn self.

I had dad visit the next day to say his goodbyes.  He didn't stay long but I took this photo.  The last time they held hands while she was alive.  
Wednesday night April 20, after we had her oxygen removed, I bent down and kissed her cheek.  I whispered inner her ear that it was okay, she could go.  Not even two hours later than hospital called to let me know she had passed.  I called my brother, and then went upstairs to tell my father.  That was heart breaking.  He wouldn't go back to the hospital.  My brother, his wife, my daughter and I all wine to the hospital and said goodbye.

I love you mom and I always will.  So many times this year I needed to talk to you and tell you what was happening.  I know you have been with me.  Blessed be!

I Give Up!

     I give up!  Just when there was a light at the end of the tunnel, it caves in.  I went to the grocery store came home and turned my car off.  Forty-five minutes later the car refused to turn on.  We tried to jump start it, but it didn't work.  The car lights turned on.  The blinkers blinked just like they were supposed too.  My power windows worked just fine and my radio was loud and clear.
Still when I turned the key, nothing else happened.  The car wouldn't start.  Not even a click, nothing.

I have job interviews to get to in the next two weeks.  I have a tutoring job that I need to get to twice a week.  So I need to figure out how to do all of this without a car.  It is in the driveway.  There is no reason to get it towed, I can afford the repair.  Work doesn't start for another month and I'm done.

Don't worry I won't do anything stupid or crazy.  I just feel defeated by the universe.  I want to throw up my arms and surrender.

This was the day last year that we really lost Mom.  She didn't die until the 20th but the 13th was the

day she left us.  I wasn't here.

I remember when I left and she was sitting in her chair.  I hugged her and told her I loved her and left.  Got to the gas station and realized I forgot my purse.  Classic me and classic mom.  She did that all the time too.  I came home and "caught her" eating picked herring out of the jar.  She looked like a child who was caught with their hand in the cookie jar.  We both smiled and laughed.  That will forever be my last memory and moment with my mom.

So Universe the last 18 months has been enough.  I can't take any more.  Every time I seem to be pulling ahead it finds a way to keep me in the exact same place.   Please let me be and pick on someone else!

I Cleaned My Room!

 

 

I am surprisingly happy to say that the med dosage change is going well.  I have not gone insane.  No major mood swings, both my children are still alive and I feel good.  I have to admit I was expecting some issues and I am happy that I was wrong.  In fact the only side effect I have been experiencing is that I am more tired than usual.  Hopefully this means I don't really need them.

     The side effects of not taking them when I am supposed too are less than  before.  Honestly that makes this all worth while.  I think I stayed on Cymbalta as long as I did because I was afraid of the withdrawal effects.  At times it has been so bad that I couldn't function.  It wasn't depression it was the dizzy lightheaded feeling that overcomes you until there is nothing else you can think of.  I won't miss that feeling ever.

     I tackled my bedroom this week too.  I know — how boring!  Why am I sharing this with you?  First of all I never have been one to clean my bedroom.  I love a room of chaos I think.  When I was a child my room was a mess.  If I don't make an effort to clean it chaos wins everytime.  Well, there have been time when I was so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed.  I wouldn't do anything.  I wouldn't clean.  I wouldn't be me!  So it thrills me that when I am reducing my depression meds that I cleaned and rearranged my room.

Okay I admit it, I had ulterior motives.  My bookshelves are full and some of the things I own do not have a home in my room.  I have gone from a house, to a duplex to a smaller house and now to a room in a house.  My things have been weeded through, given away, thrown away and sold.  I look around my room and know that this is basically all I have left.  There are some things here and there elsewhere, but this room is what I and my thing have been reduced too.

     There is not much else I can sell, and believe me I could use the money.  There is not much I have that I don't grasp onto with an iron fist.  I lost so much in the last year losing anything else I view as important is not an option.  So I look at the books on my dresser because there is no room on my bookshelves and I made sure I could fit one more bookshelf in my room.  One more place to be home for things that mean a lot to me.

     So cleaning my room right now is a big deal.  That I wanted to do is a big deal and that my things have a place to go is a bigger deal!  That I am living in a house where the work I do is appreciate is glorious.  When I do the dishes and I get a thanks, my life is perfection.  I don't need my meds anymore.  I just need to be who I am and be around people who appreciate that.

    I need to introduce you to the newest member of my family, this is Hip Hop!  He is so cute and snuggly.  If you have been keeping track there are now two dogs (Tango and Hip Hop), five cats (Simone, Oliver, Cinder, Mitten and Munchkin) and three tarantulas (Hannah Montana, Strawberry and Red Knee) in our house.  I think we officially qualify as a zoo now.

I'm Doing What Now? Am I Crazy? (That is a rhetorical question!)

     I am doing something I haven't had the courage to do in over ten years.  I am trying to get off my depression meds.  I originally was put on Effexor for Postpartum Depression six weeks after my daughter was born.  She is ten and a half now.  In that time, my depression got worse, my meds changed, my husband cheated on me, emotionally abused me and worse.

     Now I am divorced, I found a job that I love, and I am in a relationship that is going well.  I'm happy!  I can honestly say overall I am happy.  Sure at the moment I have no money, I actually have negative money.  That sucks but it isn't crippling.  I am having medical issues, hopefully it won't end up as cancer.  As of now it is just abnormal cells and bleeding.  Again it sucks, but I am still happy.

     So I went to my doctor and I got my dosage of Cymbalta reduced.  Hopefully I can start skipping doses in a few weeks and eventually not take them at all.   I have to see the doctor more, but hey I have medical issues anyway and I actually like my doctor.

      The only drawback is the side effects.  When I don't take my
meds, and that has happened occasionally, my brain feels mushy.  That is an odd description and the only way I can explain it is to imagine your brain is made of Play-Doh.  Then think about how it would feel to have someone slowly massage and squish it.  I'm not real dizzy, but it almost a dizzy feeling.  Honestly what I am looking for the most in never feeling that again!

     Only I would pick the time in my life when I have no money, going through a medical scare, and my boyfriend living an hour and a half a way so I hardly see him, to ween myself off depression meds.  I guess I really will know if I still suffer from depression or have learned and used skills to be free of it.


      Summer is half over so if I want to be off it by the time work starts again I have to do this now.  So wish me luck.  I need it.  And if you happen to know a millionaire looking for a girlfriend send them my way.  I can always hire my boyfriend as a poorboy.  I am sure he would understand.  Hopefully we will be in the Florida, Keys as well.  It never hurts to have a dream, lol!

My New Beginnings Hit a Snag!

   

     You find out who your real friends are when you need help.  When your best friend contacts you upset because he can't help you, you know she is your friend.  She listened to me.  She let me vent and she helped me calm down and realize it will eventually be all right.  I hope she reads this and knows hoe much I value our friendship.  I have known her almost my whole life and can't imagine my life without her.  Financial hep is needed but so is emotional.  Thank you for being there for me and I understand.

     Then another friend offers to buy me groceries.  Bright and early in the morning, when I function the least, lol.   She asked me to make a list and don't be stingy.  It is nice to know that I will have food to last me for a while.

     Members of my family, by choice, they have been there for me through so much and I hope I have been there for them when they needed me, insisted on helping me financially and wouldn't take no for an answer.    They put money in my purse and made sure I took it.  I still am not out the hole I made for myself.  But because of their help with money and food again I am 1/3 closer to the minimum I need and  I have less to worry about.

     When I got home tonight I found three more rejection emails from recent job interviews.  I figure I'll just keep applying and eventually someone will need more for the hours I am available or I will finally get my own classroom.

     I still have a ways to get out of this hole that I dig for myself.  I finally looked at my bank balance and it is very negative.  Plus they fine me $6.99 everyday I don't get it above zero.  Funny when I was at zero they closed my account before I could add ore making my payday four days late.

     But when I don't have money to add they keep the account open and keep taking out $6.99 a day basically twisting the knife.  I'm a third of the way of getting my back on track again.  It feels good to know It I am doing all I can to get it back up to positive numbers.

    My ex would be all over this telling me I was stupid and irresponsible toilet it get this bad.  And he would keep telling me it over and over again until I would be in tears.  I don't need his help to feel upset I already am.

     I did start a GoFundMe account for help.  I have had someone give to that account.  I am so grateful.  My friends who help with emotional support and food I am grateful to as well.  I have five more interviews scheduled next week.  My etsy shop is almost ready to open.  I collect pop cans to  get those  precious nickels back.  I even pick up the pennies from the road.  99 more and you get a dollar.

     I will be helping my brother with a garage sale in a few weeks and hope I can see some of my things to help me close the gap even more.

     Thank you everyone who has directly helped me, emotionally, with food or financially.  I am eternally grateful.  I have always made it a point to pay it forward when I could and now people are paying it forward to me.  I really appreciate it.  You all are amazing friends and I love you all so much.

     If you can't help me on GoFundMe please consider sharing the url for it to others.

My New Beginnings Hit a Snag

     That is my daughter's art work that made it into her school's art show.  She is a wonderful artist.

I love you all!  

Kitten Therapy

     I'm so tired.  It sounds like I am giving up when I say that.  I have gone through so much with him and whenever I think it is as bad as it is going to get it gets worse.  I think to myself, I divorced him, I'm free!  But I'm not.  I still have to interact with him.  We have children and he will say whatever he wants to in front of them.

     Full disclosure I don't make a lot of money in the summer.  He has primary custody of the kids because he won't give me any money. (That's right almost 18 years of marriage and he gives me NOTHING!)  I don't make a lot and he makes more so he has the kids.  I have them 50% of the time, but he pays for the food and medical for them.

      We have a new kitten,  she stays at my house.  They kids had two cats at my exes house, Butterscotch and Simba.  They had them from kittens.  They bottle fed them.  They raised them.  Butterscotch ran away, got lost or worse.  I hope another family took him in.  He was such a friendly cat.  I offered to get another kitten.  At first the ex said no.  So I stopped.  Then one day my daughter calls and is excited.  Daddy is letting them get the kitten.  So I make the arrangements.  She was living in another state, A friend needed a home for her.  It was all set then I found out he was going to send Simba to the SPCA.  I was furious.  I already committed to the kitten.  Sure I could back out.  Floyd is a friend he wouldn't stop being friends with me over a kitten.  But who gives their kids a choice between a kitten and a seven year old cat they raised knowing what would happen to that adult cat at the SPCA.  They are not a no kill shelter.  So I have the kitten at my house and I love her.  I think she is good for me.  Kitty therapy is fantastic.  Look at her.  She is adorable.  Her name is Munchkin Jelly Simberscotch.

     Okay I have the kitten, I don't make money in the summer, and yes I have applied for many many jobs.  The houses I am available they don't want me.  The houses they want me for I am not available.  The kids want to spend time with the kitten since their father won't allow the kitten at their house so they come to mine.

    He is supposed to provide the food for the kids.  I get them at 2:30 so I assumed that was dinner and a snack.  Turns out they don't wake up until after noon and he doesn't always feed them before they come see me.  They only bring one meal with them.  And they are hungry.  When I mention this to my ex he gets mad at me because I don't make enough to feed them.

     That was part of the divorce agreement.  He had custody of the kids and he was responsible for the food, even if they were visiting me.  I find out he is making them dinner at 1 am in the morning when he gets them home after he picks them up at my place.

     Then he tells the kids that he wants the leftovers brought back to his house.  I assume he wants to be sure that I don't eat anything.  I can't believe I married him.  The thing is if I didn't know he was the same man I married I wouldn't believe it.  They say men don't change.  That is bull!  They don't change into what you want them to be but they can and will change and it isn't always for the better.

     Tonight though he was plane hurtful.  There was an issue where he may have hit my landlady's new car.  He was livid that he didn't do it.  But still we checked.   Then because he was mad he told me how my family thinks I am a bitch and they always tell him that this is just how I am.  I am not perfect.  I don't get along with everyone in my family.  But when he mentioned one family member in particular it hurt.  And I know he did it on purpose.

     It was late so I didn't call the person.  I knew my ex said wasn't accurate. I needed to talk to the person though.  I was hurt and I needed to talk.  Luckily we are cut from the same cloth and both night owls.  We texted, because I was in tears and talking wasn't a possibility.  He assured me it was my ex being hurtful.  I knew it, but I let him get to me.

     And yes I texted my ex back.

God damnit. I am tired of you making me cry and making me feel like I'm less of a human. 

After 18 years of marriage you gave me nothing!  

You selfish bastard if you think you can take away what I have left.  

I have a job. I love my job how dare you tel me to get another job. You have NO say in my life anymore. 

You think I'm a baby. Guess what I just am in touch with my feelings and emotions you should try it sometime. 

You hurt me!  Does that even bother you a little bit. What you say has an effect on me. And the kids hear it. And they ask questions. 

Think before you speak to me. I was your wife. At one point you must have cared for me. So show me some respect. 

If you can't then don't talk to me at all. 

And keep my family out of it. Don't talk to me about any member of my family. You do it to hurt me and I won't allow it. 

You have no more control over me. Get used to it!

     Of course he had to answer.  

Again you take things to literal. If I say you should get a part time job you take it as if I am ordering you when in fact it's just an opinion. You get mad at the drop of a hat so when you raise your voice I do too. You go overboard over everything. And you forget I have assisted you with your bank and gave you gas for your car and you act like I gave you nothing. I'm not controlling your life but you blame me if I give my opinion and call it control.  If you choose to cry and feel sorry for yourself and your bad luck that's on you not me. Good night my phone is turning off now.

     I was a bit spiteful when I answered him.  One of my pet peeves is people who don't use paragraphs.  It is very hard to read when it is just one long blurb of words.  

Seriously learn to use paragraphs. Do you know how hard it is to read what you write?  

Do you honesty think I haven't applied for part time work!  Guess what hours they want me to work?  Evenings. 

You have given me almost nothing. Most husbands do the honorable thing especial when they were caught cheating and offer their ex wife some financial help. 

Not you. $20 a week for the summer was all I asked. I am more than reasonable. Nips not you. But somehow that is my fault. 

My bad luck is on you. I had the bad luck to marry a cheater.  That was 100% your fault. You emotionally abused me. That is not my imagination. There are numerous witnesses.  

If you give an opinion to be hurtful that is a problem. If you don't know if it is hurtful think before you speak.  If you are unsure don't say it. 

At least I do cry. That shows I'm a human. I'm humane and I understand emotions. I don't think you have any and if you do you have no idea how to use them. 

You are not a nice person.  

     So here I am a wreck.  And I get to see him twice more before the weekend.  Hopefully we will not speak.  I would prefer that.  Worse it looks like I was the one who scratched my landladies car.  That is what started all the dialog today.  

     I'm emotional exhausted and need a vacation, but I am a single mom who has her children 50% of the time and love them.  I am a one on one teacher to a child who is improving every day.  I have responsibilities.  I can't even afford a vacation if I could afford to take time off, so I muddle through and have kitten therapy.

This is Me!

     My ex often tells me I am a loser, no one would want me, I am a slob, and I am the reason for all our problems.  I don't listen to any of it anymore.  I left him, moved out, in December 2014.  Since then I have had dated several other men.  Four that I would call relationships.  Of those four I am still in contact and on friendly terms with all of them.  In fact many that I dated will still chat with me and still are very friendly with me.  None of them ended badly, we just didn't fit well together.  None of them ended because of arguing or abuse.  None of them had issues with me being a slob.

     The only relationship I was in that involved abuse, a bad ending and any negativity was my marriage.  Before I met him I hadn't really dated many guys.  I think he was my second serious relationship.  So I didn't have a lot to compare him too.  And honestly for the first few years he worshipped the ground I walked on.

     Now that I have dated other guys I know it wasn't me.  We all hear it when people talk to you about the abuser.  They say it wasn't you.  And you listen and understand it.  But when you finally know it and believe it, it is such an A-Ha moment.

I am with someone now who treats me like a queen.  He is attentive and there for me.  Such a difference from my ex-husband, even during our good years.  I am happy and I hope this lasts.

What is Courage?

What is Courage?  noun cour·age \ˈkər-ij, ˈkə-rij\

: the ability to do something that you know is difficult or dangerous

     There seems to be an issue with this word lately. I can only hope that people start to understand that just because you don't like what a person chose to do, or if you don't agree with it or their life style that doesn't make that person less courageous. In fact, the more people who have issue with something a person does, I think lends credence to the fact that what they did was courageous. We are all courageous in many ways every day.

    You don't need to have battled cancer to be courageous. Nor do you have to have been a soldier. You can be a student who stands up to a bully, a woman who finally looks someone in the eyes and stands up for herself. A man who saves a animal from abuse. It is taking that first step.  Dressing yourself for the first time and trying again when you get it wrong.  It is being friends with someone because you like them even though others do not.  It take courage to try a new food, or to try a new religion that appeals to you.  It takes a lot of courage to do it in front of the world.  It is being you!

     If you find it difficult to do and do it, then you are courageous. There is no measurement for what is courageous except what you believe and allow yourself to accomplish. If you don't believe a person did something courageous keep it to yourself. Courage is personal to the one doing the action, not the one witnessing it. You are not them and you do not know how they view the world.  Nor do they view the world as you do.

     If someone is getting an award for their courage and you don't agree they should receive it, or think someone else is more deserving, it is more than acceptable to start your own award for recognition of courage.

     But if another agency that you are not part of chooses to recognize someones courage they are allowed to as well.  It is impossible for everyone in the world to agree on who should receive a single award.  Courage is not something that can be measure equally by everyone because we are all individual with our own set of life experiences and schema.  

Such a Long Hard Day and then Happiness

My son had his spring concert this week, I found out about it from my ex on the day before the concert, luckily I was able to make it.  He even saved a seat for me up front so I would be able to see and record it.  It meant I had to sit next to him but I figured we were in public so...

The same day, same time and in the same building my daughter had three pieces in the school district's art show.  At first my ex suggested I go to one and he go to the other, I guess not realizing they were just a few dozen feet apart from each other.   Though he insisted that he go to our son's concert no matter what.  That upset me a little because he seemed to brush aside our daughter accomplishments by saying that.  Eventually I got him to understand that we could do both, even if not on the same night the art show was a two day event.

P did great in the concert, the precision ensemble that his is part of got to play the piece they won first place with at a recent competition.  It was long, almost two hours and the order of the concert was not as written so I admit I was a bit exasperated when it was over.  It was a long day for me and I had been up and busy since 6 am.  It was not almost 8 pm and I wanted to see B's pics in the art show which was supposed to be over at 8 pm.

 We had to pick up P first and the ex seemed to not be able to figure out how to leave the auditorium.  I saw some parents I hadn't seen in a while and mingled a little as we waited for P.  Then when my guard was down my ex decided to nag me about a bill I was supposed t pay the weekend I was mugged.

Now this is a school district I work in.  Many of the students in the hallway are students I have taught.  Many of the parents in the hallway are parents of students I am teaching.  They see me and point me out to their parents.  That is my substitute teacher they say and they are happy to see me.  When I am at my children's school I consider myself to be on the job.  It is not the time or place to talk to me about a bill that I told him two weeks ago I wouldn't be able to pay because I was mugged.  I needed another paycheck.  He said he understood.


It is not the time or place to say loudly that I am inconsiderate because I work enough that I should be able to pay a bill.  It is not a time or place to have an argument with me about paying bills.  I asked him to stop and saw happily that the door to the art show was still open and I could go in.  I had hoped he would drop it because we were going to be looking at our daughter's art work.  I should have known better.

So I go in, our daughter is giddy with excitement.  She shows us her clay monster and he is still going on about the phone bill and how he is going to shut the phone off and switch companies because I won't pay the $40.00.  I know that I would get paid in just two days and I can pay it then, but he has no interest in what I can do.  Only in what I didn't do.  I try to focus on B's second art piece, beautiful pumpkins.  She is telling me all about it and I have to try to tune out my exes nagging so I can hear her.

Finally I see her last piece, "Kitty World" and she is so proud.  I want to be able to focus entirely on her, but my son is complain that he wants to go home, my ex is calling me horrible things in front of my students.  I hug her and tell her how proud I am, I hug P and tell him his concert was wonderful and say I have to go.  I remind P I am picking him up on Saturday for a sleep over at my place and he adds the final nail to a horrible fifteen minutes and tells me he doesn't want to sleep at my house.  I know it is Aspergers and the fact that he is 12 but I can't take any more and I rush out of there fighting back the tears.

When I get to my car I can't stop the tears anymore and I cry almost all the way home.  I get there and collapse on the couch and manage to talk to the people I live with.  They listen to me and offer me some comfort.  I need to just curl up in a ball and sleep so I get my mail and go to bed.  One envelope is which is thicker than the others.  It is from my exes lawyer.  I don't want to open it, assuming it is just another delay to our divorce.  But I do...

I am DIVORCED!  After a horrible time with my ex, where once again he reminded me why I left him I find out that I am no longer his wife!  I am single!  I am free!  Pure joy!  Happiness!