Victory and Defeat

Why whenever we are on a good streak does it come to a screeching halt? Maybe I am just overly sensitive, but I am so mad right now.

For over a year I have been searching for a specific table and bench set for our kitchen. I look on craigs list at least once or twice a week for it and have found them for sale between $200 and $500. Yesterday I found it for under $75.00. Not only that but today we had the money. All our bills are paid and things are looking good. Well, except for the no job thing. We are in a better financial state than we have been in a long time.

We go to look at the table and he before we even get there tells me it is probably a pice of junk. OMG, we haven't even seen it and already he is negative. I asked him to please hold judgement until we see the table. We get there and I sit down on a nice steady stable bench. The table isn't great but the bench is in perfect shape. It is what I needed the most. I would have bought a bench separately if I found it for sale.

He looks at me and signals that it worth the money and so I agree to buy it. We go to my brother's house because he is going to help us move it and nothing indicates that he is upset about the deal. As far as I know everything is fine, no problems or complaints.

Well, after he and my brother move it and the boys talk about the price, they decide it is no longer a good deal and now it is my fault for pressuring him into agreeing to buy it. This really irritates me and of course we end up having a huge fight. I hate when he does this too me. It is a constant pattern and you would think that I would expect it, but it always surprises me and it always infuriates me.

Not that I need permission to spend money but we always talk about large price items together before we buy them. When it is something he wants — usually sports tickets — we talk about it and agree to it, he buys the tickets and everything is fine. When I want something — usually for the house or kids — we talk about and I thick we agree and are on the same page. I then go ahead and buy it then after I buy it he gets mad that I spent too much money and he never needs things for him. I am to materialistic. I am irresponsible with money and the only reason he let me spend the money was to avoid and argument. This of course results in a huge argument because I feel betrayed and hurt by his words and actions.

Today was no different, though I thought I had worked my way around the usual problems. I am so hurt by this, I wish I could get him to see it from my point of view.

Starting to Work Through Our Differences

Last year on the day that P's soccer photos were taken my husband and I had a horrible fight. I wanted a couple different photos and he didn't want any of them. There was no compromise offered and we at each other's throats. It was such a bad fight that I cringed when the photo packages sheets were passed out for soccer photos this year.

With D being out of work and two children on the soccer team I was sure there would be a repeat of last year. Somehow we managed to avoid that scenario from happening. We still didn't totally agree on what we wanted to order. We managed to talk it out civilly and each one of us gave a little.

I think that is why it turned out okay this year. No ultimatum was shoved at either one of us. He didn't want two pennants purchased, I didn't want no pennants to be ordered so we decided on one hoping that B (who really doesn't seem that into a team pennant) will not freak out.

Instead of individual photos and sports card for each child I compromised and only ordered the sports cards. He didn't freak out when he found out I wrote two checks instead of one. I was real impressed with that one. I know he has a hard time with multiple transactions to keep track of.

The photo's were taken, no arguing, it was very nice. I can only hope that somehow out of all our problems something is changing and we are starting to work through our differences. Hopefully we can go back to being a happy married couple again someday. I can have dreams, right?

Adventures in Bowling

It is official my son is obsessed with bowling. When he wakes up in the morning the first thing he asks is "When does the bowling alley open?" Once he knows when it opens it is an endless countdown until it opens. Once the lanes are open we have to be there before too many people are there.

B enjoys it too, but not nearly as much as P. She is happy doing an activity with the family and really I think couldn't care less about bowling. She is happy if she gets a gutter ball or if she gets some pins down. Heck she is entertained if the ball gets stuck and the guy behind the counter has to rescue her ball from the lane.

P's goal while bowling is to have the high score. He is learning to aim the ball better to get strikes and spares. He understands the difficulty of various types of splits. He is even learning the terms of the game. He approaches this like any other sport, he wants to be the best at the game.

B I think is the opposite. Her goal is to be entertained while bowling. She dances and looks cute. Her talent seems to be getting the ball to roll in reverse. I first saw her do this the other day and somehow when we bowl I know that at least one roll of the ball will stop and come back to her like a yo-yo.

Today she did it twice, much to our amusement. It is amazing to watch. She pushes the ball off ever so slowly. It looks like it will stop any second because it rolls so slow. About halfway down the lane the ball stops and then starts moving again, this time back towards B. She of course is waiting patiently for the ball to come back to her. After what seems like an eternity the ball is back in B's hands and we are left shaking our heads. The best part is that I know it will happen again.

Now P has his own little tricks that he preforms. He has bowled his ball down the gutter while the bumpers were up. It was like the ball rode the bumper like a train on train tracks. Today was another first for me. He somehow managed to get one of the bumpers to fall down and then his ball stopped halfway to the pins in the gutter.

I will be visiting the bowling lanes a lot this summer. I am sure I will have more tales to tell about the children's and my adventures in bowling. Hopefully my game will improve and I will break into the triple digit scores.

Walking With Dinosaurs Part II

Tonight was the night, we went to watch "Walking With Dinosaurs" downtown at the Arena. The kids were so excited because they knew that we not only were going to watch the show but we were taking the subway to get there.



When the doors opened the car would rock and P thought that we were floating. I love how he puts things together. I could see how he thought that, after all we couldn't see the wheels from inside the car.

I was really proud of both children. They held our hands when we were in the large crowds and followed our instructions to our seats very carefully. They even didn't get scared with all the dinosaur roars. Though the roaring was not as loud as I thought it would be.

The best part of the show was when the baby T-Rex came out. There was a huge build up and then the drapes opened and this little T-Rex came out. Of course it was even better when his mommy showed up.



I wish I could see it again, it was worth the cost. Though if there is a next time I am going to try to sit in the lower seats. It was good from the nosebleed seats and I know it must be fantastic from the lower seats.

P was trilled when he saw the dinosaurs. He was literally on the edge of his seat. B was so cute, she was telling everyone that the dinosaurs were not real, they were robots and they couldn't hurt us. She was al smiles for most of the show. Though near the end she needed to walk around a little bit. A four year old eventually has to move around even when facing dinosaurs from millions of years ago.

How Different They Are From Each Other

We took P to the driving range this week. He has always wanted to go and it just hadn't happened before. Well, it turns out that he is quite good at hitting that little dimpled white ball. This is yet another sport that he is good at; Hockey, Baseball, Bowling, Soccer and now Golf.

His father is so proud, I'll admit that I am too. He really seems to have a talent for any sport that he tries. I love watching the joy on his face as he is participating in any sport. Tonight he had a soccer game and managed to get six goals. In four games he has scored twenty goals. He even is playing defense and keeping the other team from scoring.

B tries to love the sports. She participates and gives it a good try but her passion lies elsewhere. When we bowl she starts out okay and will decide to stop bowling somewhere in the middle of a game. She is on the soccer team too and today was the first game she managed to play on her own. Usually she latches on to daddy and won't let go.

Today she wanted to go to the driving range with P. She tried and just isn't coordinated enough for it yet. So she entertained herself as only she can do.



She is our Diva. When the camera is out she wants photos taken of her in various poses. She is like this at four, I can't even imagine what she will be like in her teen years.



It is amazing how different two children can be when they are growing up in the same environment. P is all about the sports and B is all about the glamour. Mommy however is all about the love.

Bowling in the Afternoon

How sad is it when your six year old beats you at bowling in both games that are bowled? Of course to make it worse he even announced that he was going to do that before we started the games. It may have been a while since we last bowled together, but he still remembers that he won more often than not.

We signed the children up for free bowling this summer. They can have two free games each day. There was an option for the adults to pay for a discounted bowling pass for the same length of time. So our whole family is going to be bowling this summer. I even bought myself a cheap pair of bowling shoes and ball off craigslist. My next mission is to purchase a pair of bowling shoes for my son. Then we will really be saving a lot of money by not paying for shoe rentals.

We got to the bowling lane today about 2 p.m. and the parking lot was empty. I was really concerned that the lanes were closed. Then I looked at the hours. At first I looked at the wrong date and for a moment was convinced they were closed. However my oldest had stepped on the magic self opening doors and found his way in. He asked the man behind the counter if they were open and it was happily announced that they were.

It was a ghost town in the lanes. We were the only customers there and I felt bad that we had coupons for free bowling. Well, I had to pay for his shoes so they would make some money off us. Money, Yikes I had left my purse at home. I dreaded the thought of getting the kids in the car for a side trip home and back to fetch my forgotten purse. The man behind the counter came to my rescue by allowing me to use the phone. He even sold us pop knowing that I didn't have the money, and that my husband was bringing it to me.

P took off one shoe and put on a bowling shoe took a step or two and did the same with the other foot. I know this because his sneakers were left in a trail. If he had more feet than two there would have been a long line of sneakers behind him. B was allowed to bowl in her shoes because her feet were too small for the rental shoes. Now I put my new slightly used bowling shoes on and P wouldn't believe that they were bowling shoes because they looked like sneakers. Only when I showed him the soles of the shoes did he see the difference,

The game started and he was so excited that he felt that he should help his sister. OF course he is helping her because he wants to bowl more. Watching the two of them bowling in unison was adorable. If only they could work that well together more often. She let him help for the first few frames but then she wanted to do it herself. This was almost as entertaining as both of them bowling together.

She would run up to the lane, per her brother's instructions. Then stop and gently place the ball on the ground centered on the lane and push. Then came the wait. The long eternal wait for the ball to get to the pins. At first she managed to get gutter balls which is an accomplishment because we were using bumpers. Better yet was when the ball went so slow that it started going in reverse. I had never seen that before.



P had his own unique style to his bowling. He would run up to the lane and launch the ball up and out. It wasn't a roll as much as it was a throw. The sound made me cringe. It sounded like the ball would break through the lane with a huge crash. He would often slide and fall on his butt. Even with his odd way of bowling he still managed to get better scores than both me and B.

I am blaming my low score on the new bowling ball. I kept getting my fingers stuck in the holes. There was actually a popping sound that was made when I released the ball. So I am going to have to have them re-drilled at some point this summer. The ball return also really liked my ball. It would get almost up to the ball holder but not quite. You could see it inside of the hole almost all the way up but not quite. So I had to use a second ball (with better finger holes) to get my ball to pop out of the ball return.

We bowled our two games and then the kids suckered me into buying them an ice cream treat. We had a nice afternoon and are looking forward to many more days like today. Luckily the lanes started getting more bowlers by the time we left so it made paying the $2.50 total easier for me. We are planning on going back on Thursday before we see Walking With Dinosaurs. Bowling in the afternoon will give us some family fun this summer.

School is in Session

I overhear my children playing today. They are playing school and my son is the teacher.

"Class today we are going to learn the difference between 1 and -1. 1 is one number above zero and -1 is one number under zero."

Wow he is just finishing first grade. I know I didn't learn about negative numbers this early when I went to school. He then continued on to 2 and -2. He really seems to understand the concept and I love that he is trying to explain it to my four year old.

Next he announces that it is time for science. He then draws on the board a science experiment they did in school a couple months ago when they made clouds in a jar. I posted the picture above. The jar has water in it at the bottom and a metal (pink) lid. On top of the lid are two (blue) ice cubes. Inside the jar you can see a cloud forming.

Now they are having recess in the back yard. Then of course it is lunch time (actually dinner, but who is counting).

He is excited that I am going back to school to be a teacher. I remember playing teacher as a child and my younger brother or my dolls were my students. The cycle is repeating and it makes my day.

Walking With Dinosaurs Part I

My mom called me tonight and offered my family a dream come true. Okay it may not be a huge dream but it is a dream none the less. She is taking us to see "Walking With Dinosaurs". As soon as I heard that it was coming to my area I have been trying to justify the cost. After Dennis lost his job I just put the thought out of my mind.

It was so hard to see the commercials and her the pleas of the children to go see the show. Tonight I got to tell them that we are going. I don't know which day yet or what time, but hey our schedule is pretty open right now. It also gives us something to look forward to.

Now I have to use the time between now and when we go to prepare the kids for loud large dinosaurs. How do you prepare them for something that you haven't even experienced? I expect that we will be doing laps around the arena a few times.

The Hidden Chocolate Milk Effect

Tonight after bedtime I was watching television when I heard my daughter scream and go hysterical. I thought she was hurt really bad. I of course went to her right away, she sounded so scared and I could see her face looked more scared than hurt. Often after bedtime they feign being hurt to get our attention. This was no act.

She latches on to me and holds on real tight. She then announces that she is going to die. Okay now I need to find out what is going on and I ask her why she thinks that she is going to die. She finally manages to tell this story to me in between screams and sobs.

Earlier in the day she hid her chocolate milk so P wouldn't drink it. While I was watching TV in my bedroom she snuck out of her room and got her milk out of it's hiding place. She drank some because she is thirsty and the milk is very warm. Well, she has heard us talk about warm milk going bad, and how spoiled food can make us very sick. So when she drank the milk and it was warm she panicked and figured that she was going to die.

Oh was she so upset and scared. It took me a while to finally understand what happened and then to finally calm her down. She held onto me so tight. This really effected her. She finally settled down and went to bed. I bet she never hides her chocolate milk again.

Memories to Save

Today like always I opened up my son's backpack when he got home from school. I pulled out his folder and since it is the end of the year I never know what I will find in it. Yesterday it was his art smock (daddy's old t-shirt) today it was his yearbook and two awards that he earned.

He has been in this school for two years and has not earned any of these awards before. I had know about them but I guess I had forgotten about them because he just never won them during any other month. The awards are given out every months and there are two or three different kinds. I however didn't know they also had awards for academics.

The first one I saw was pink (you would think they would have found a different color since pink is associated with girls or girly things) and said he had outstanding achievement in science (mommy's favorite school subject). Last month he has a science test that he had a perfect score on. Of course one of the topics the test covered was basic astronomy, another of mommy's favorites.

The second one was a Citizenship award — for being a good role model for other students at the school. I am ashamed to say that the thought of my son getting this award never crossed my mind. Though now that he has earned it I am very proud of him. He is a good role model. That is definitely worthy of an award.

I can only assume the meds helped him earn these. He can pay attention better at school so his academics has improved. Other children have seen the change in his behavior. I know the teachers and Principal have noticed the difference in his behavior.

I have the certificates (and his yearbook) in a safe place right now. I will add them to his school scrapbook. These are definitely memories I want to save.

What is Financially Responsible?

How come whenever I try to do something to improve our family he goes ballistic? This week I found a website that will give you one free copy of your credit report a year. I have always wanted to see mine and try to clean it up. I have made money mistakes and some were so long ago that I just don't remember who, when, where and how much any more. I have two children and in the future I would like to be able to better provide for them. I want to be able to get a decent job. I just want to better myself.

So I was all excited that I finally had a way to get my credit report. I went online and printed it out and saw that most of the items on it were so small and I can get them paid off relatively quickly. So I tell him my plan. He wants to be reckless with his 501k and withdrawal it all. He wants to buy a car, maybe two. He doesn't even have a job. That money was supposed to be for our future, not our present.

We are having an argument because I (the unresponsible one with money according to him) would like to use about $1000.00 to get things paid off on my credit report. He (according to him the one who is better with money) wants to buy a two cars and sell my car to recoup some of the money.

I think I just may go crazy this time. Of course neither one of us is flexible once we know the other one has a different plan. So we will butt heads about this. I can't even think of a happy medium between us. It's not like he can buy half a car. Whenever I do something major to improve myself he gets this pigheaded. Maybe he is afraid I will improve myself out of this marriage. That may actually come to pass if he keeps pushing me away.

So now I am sitting here with a sore throat from yelling and a tear in my eye because it seems like we keep moving backwards. I am getting ready to go out for the afternoon and can only hope that he and I will both calm down and be able to talk about this instead of screaming at each other, All I can do right now is take deep breaths to calm down and remove myself from his vicinity. Somehow we will work past this. I just don't know how at this time.

Mommy and Son Time - AMC Sensory Friendly Movies

A few months ago I discovered that AMC had Sensory Friendly movies for autistic children. I had never taken my son to the indoor movie theaters. We had been to the Drive-In movies which allow him the freedom to move around and make noise and he always managed to get a look at the projector room while we are there.

The regular theater where people get upset if you whisper though I had never had the courage to take him there. He can't watch a tv show without getting up and moving around the room flapping his wings. So when I found that AMC had this type of movie I was excited.

Though my excitement was short lived. There were no movies near us that participated in the program. So I called our local AMC theater. I posted to my mommy groups to have people call the theater to encourage their participation in the program. I emailed my friends and family to encourage them to do the same. I emailed AMC and I even emailed the local theater to try to get them to participate in it. I did all I could to try to get the program here. Then this week I found out that they finally introduced the program in our area.

According to the Autism Society webpage for the sensory friendly films, AMC Entertainment (AMC) and ASA have teamed up to bring families affected by autism and other disabilities a special opportunity to enjoy their favorite films in a safe and accepting environment on a monthly basis with the "Sensory Friendly Films" program.

In order to provide a more accepting and comfortable setting for this unique audience, the movie auditoriums will have their lights brought up and the sound turned down, families will be able to bring in their own gluten-free, casein-free snacks, and no previews or advertisements will be shown before the movie. Additionally, audience members are welcome to get up and dance, walk, shout or sing — in other words, AMC’s “Silence is Golden®” policy will not be enforced unless the safety of the audience is questioned.

Today my son and I walked in the theater and bought our tickets for UP. He wanted popcorn and pop, so I of course caved and spent the obscene amount of money for the traditional movie snacks. He was skipping next to me and flapping his arms because he was so excited. This was special Mommy and son time and he knew it. He was so excited he almost went into the wrong theater.

We found the theater and I was pleased to see a fair amount of people in it. We sat in seats near the front of the theater and waited for the movie to begin. We chatted with the family behind us. Like us it was the first time she was able to take her son to the movies and they were so excited that they now could.

The move started and the lights stayed on, the sound wasn't deafening, the air conditioner wasn't even making it as cold as it usually is. The best part was it wasn't abnormally quiet. I actually found the noise from the audience pleasant to listen to while the movie was playing. It made it feel more homey.  P at first couldn't care less about the movie. He turned around watched where the movie was coming from.

Half way through the movie a little boy came rolling down the aisle to the front of the theater and got up to do it again. Other children were starting to roam around and walk up to the screen. They were not in the way and they would look straight up at the base of the screen. Of course my son eventually joined in. He would pace back and forth between us and the screen flapping his wings and just as happy as he could be.

Finally he got the courage to ask me if he could walk to the back of the theater to stand below the projection booth. He was comparing the views I think. He would watch from the back, from our seat and then right at the base of the screen. He would never be able to do this while going to a regular movie screening.

I had a huge smile on my face because I could tell how happy he was. I would go between watching the movie, which was a pretty good movie, to watching him. I loved that he was enjoying himself at the movies and when I told him that Ice Age was playing next month and we could go back he was even more excited.

On the way out of the theater we ran into the manager and thank him for having the sensory friendly films. I don't know if my phone calls or emails had anything to do with the program coming here, so I will just think they did. Once a month P and I will have a date to go to the movies and lunch, our special time together.

A Mother's Love

When your child needs extra help you do whatever you can to get them that help. My son needs help in school. He has asperger's disorder. He is oversensitive to sound and touch, many tastes and smells. Often in a conversation when he is excited or making a point he will get so loud that he is yelling. He misses many social cues and in the month or so that he has been out of speech his articulation has noticeably slipped.

Asperger's falls under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorders. The difference is he is highly verbal and smart. Though I disagree with the latter. I have known several people with autism that were very smart. I go to his school district to get services for him that will help him in school.

He is six weeks behind in his homework. Not because he doesn't know how to do it, not because we don't make him do it. He is behind because of the physical and mental struggle to get it done. We do it differently than the teacher is the largest part of it. Change is often met with resistance. When I ask for a way for him to get help in this school for doing his homework I am met with resistance. I am told the resource room is not a homework club.

The meeting today was hard for me. Maybe because I pick up on other peoples emotions. Empathy sometimes gets the better of me. The emotions in the room were intense. Was it because we wanted him evaluated by the Committee on Special Education. He has had testing here and there but once we pulled it all together we could see holes. He did have an OT evaluation but not a sensory study.

Whether he gets an IEP or a 504 doesn't really matter to me as long as he gets support. I don't care if he is to smart for special ed. That is part of having asperger's He said a sentence before he was five months old. I am not worried about that. I don't want him lost in the system like I was. I was tested for learning disabilities in third grade. I was borderline and no one bothered to check on me again. In sixth grade I was struggling with math and spelling. I couldn't even get two or three words correct on my spelling tests.

I had to get extra help outside of the school. I had help with spelling and math. I could read in kindergarten, I would read ahead of my grade level and I just kept slipping by. Not one teacher after third grade pushed to have me evaluated again. I still struggle with math and spelling. I don't want that for my children.

I know he will need help, but he is above average or in the range that is considered benchmark. I see regression, but because it is in the normal range he is still considered to be doing well. I want to be proactive and keep him doing well. I want to keep him from slipping and I work with him on as much as I can.

We always work on social cues, and empathy. I will when I am reading to him ask him how he thinks the characters are felling so he gets an idea of how to do that. Now his pragmatic language skills are above average. That is my constant work with him. For a year now we have been figuring out ways to talk in many different social settings. His reading is average because I work on that. That is all work done outside of the school.

So now he is being evaluated and I will push for him to get help with homework. I will fight for the OT help I know he needs. I will do all a mother can do for her child. I will make sure he isn't left behind. I will make sure he isn't labeled the problem child. I am his mother and I love him.

Tomorrow is the Big Day

Tomorrow is the day I finally have a meeting about getting an IEP or 504 plan for my son. Because he has a neurological condition I am pushing for an IEP. The district is of course wanting a 504. I admit I am still fuzzy on the difference. Sometimes I am so sure I get the differences and other times it is just a bunch of mixed up words. I am so grateful that I have and advocate going to the meeting who can help me understand what is going on and to make sure P gets a good education.

I met with the educational advocate yesterday and I waled out of that three hour meeting ready to go. If only I could have had the meeting with the 504 committee then I would have done great. Now as reread my notes I am wondering why I wrote this or that and why is that word circled. It is amazing how much a difference a day makes.

I got a phone call from the school psychologist he wanted the meeting to be earlier in the day. I have to admit he seemed a bit thrown off when I mentioned I had an advocate coming to ht meeting so it depended on her schedule. To be honest I was a bit annoyed by the request. It is less than 24 hours until the meeting. Just because I am a stay at home mom doesn't mean I don't have set plans. Of course I don't. The plans I have revolve around the 504 meeting and are flexible. I am just to accommodating.

This is my first step into the realm of special education. Last year I was told that he was to smart for special education and I let that comment fester for over a year. I know he needs accommodations, I just am unsure of what they are and how to get them. That is why I called the educational advocate. Still I am worried about tomorrow. I hope I don't let them push me into a plan I don't want or understand.

I have been told to watch out for the school district, make sure the advocate doesn't push to hard for things he doesn't need. Watch out for this and watch out for that. I have prepared as best I can, or did I. Could I have done more homework and preparation? Should I have called the advocate sooner? How will all of this affect him? Tomorrow is such a big day. I hope I don't blow it.

Things I Learned Today

Adults who grow up with a disability that is undiagnosed find ways to adapt. That adaption might be loudness when they talk or yelling when they feel attacked or vulnerable. I learned that from my son's education advocate. It helps me understand my husband better than ever before.

Tonight yet again we had a conflict. I knew I had not done what I was accused of. He yelled and of course I rose to the bait and yelled back. I yelled back! Had I just gone to the computer and looked at the screen before I reacted the argument wouldn't have occurred. Had I walked to my computer and looked up the transaction before I reacted the argument would not have occurred. I cannot throw all the blame at him for our arguments.

Eventually he did calm down and understood what happened and finally did apologize to me. It was my reaction to his action that led to this argument. Though his reaction was very accusatory and was designed as an attack. I need to stop taking the bait. So how do you learn to not take the bait? How do I stop myself from reacting? That has been how we have been with each other for such a long time that we seem on autopilot when we argue. I am going to have to relearn some behaviors to try to keep the peace.

I am finding that I have two choices. I can walk away from the marriage or I can try to adapt. Since I have been looking at this as a person adapting to a handicap I find that I can start to adapt and work on improving our marriage. The handicap can be called ADHD or Hyperactivity, asperger's or even Bob. It really doesn't matter what it is called. Since I have been approaching our marriage with this disability kept in mind things have improved. I have put a lot of effort into it, I know I will have to put more effort in to improve it more.

We are talking more, we are analyzing how we interact and we are learning to spend time together again. Hopefully in the near future we can start acting more like a married couple and less like brother and sister.

How Do We Get the Romance Back?

Last night an amazing thing happened. We started to argue with each other and somehow we started talking. The argument started and it just became a conversation. We both discussed how we can improve our marriage rather than destroy it. The one thing I did differently is I came out of my room and went into the living room.

I walked down our hallway intent on what I wasn't sure. When I got into the living room the conversation was starting to get louder and instead of retreating or falling into the usual pattern of tearing into each other. I think I got frustrated and sat down on the couch. Once I was on the couch we just started to talk.

He believes that because now he is going to get more sleep he will not snap at me as easily. I have noticed that our worse argument usually happen when he had six ten hour days in a row. Our worse argument ever was when he had to work thirteen days in a row. I feel though that I must point put that he and I are still awake. So I am not sure if the sleep will help because its sleep that we are not doing.

The conversation was long. It lasted for at least an hour or two. The only reason it ended was I was falling asleep and went to bed.

I again told him the two things he needs to concentrate on is to woo me again and show me respect. One problem is he just doesn't remember how to be romantic. Once upon a time I had a 3x5 card file of things that I found romantic. I wrote them out so he could have a reference of things I liked so he would have ideas of what to do. I think I will start doing that again

When we dated we had these long conversations all the time. He would do special things for me to surprise me. He used to be more romantic. I probably was as well. Since I can barely stand to be in the same room with him now I know I must be pulling away and more abrasive towards him. Not a good base for romance.

So how do we get back to romance? I truly believe if we could have the spark back that we had when we first together we could improve our marriage and be a better couple and better parents. I watch other couples and I see the twinkles in their eyes. I hear them laughing with each other. I want the romance back!

The Day of the Rollerblades

Today just wasn't a good day. I tried to spend time with my husband. I thought it would be a good idea. I was wrong. He has had a bad few days, as have I. Today he wanted to buy rollerblades for our son. I thought that would be a bad idea. I wanted to save our money since no one in our house has a job right now.

We were at odds with each other from the moment we got in the car to shop for the rollerblades. He wanted to buy a $50.00 pair, I was sure we could find them cheaper. Then he pulled the quality card. I hate when he assumes all lower priced items are poor quality. I admit it I got irritated way to fast. The day was going downhill fast. I just wanted to try a few different places and he was assuming the quality would be bad and so he wanted the $50.00 pair.

So we managed to go to a few different stores and we finally compromised on a $30.00 pair. Still I was in a bad mood and we were snipping and sniping at each other. Somehow we have to learn to disagree with each other and not attack each other while we disagree. I just don't know how to do it.

One of the problems today was I forgot to take one of my meds. I think if I had taken it I could have controlled my emotions better. I can feel myself snapping and I know I ned to withdrawal from the situation we are in. I am learning to walk away before I make it worse. Now If I could get him to understand how counterproductive swearing at me when he is irritated at me is we might be able to make some headway to improving our relationship.

Today I flat out told him two things he has to work on to improve our marriage. He has to woo me. I miss romance. He also has to respect me. When he is upset at me he is mean to me. He shows me no respect with his words or actions. He claims he doesn't feel punished by our in house separation. I just want him to want to be with me again enough to change his behavior towards me. For over a decade he could be civil with me and make me weak in the knees. I just want more good days than bad ones. Is that too much to ask?

When it Rains it Pours

How come it always seems like when one bad thing happens another one seems to follow quickly on its heals. Yesterday Dennis lost his job and today the brakes on my car failed. At least I managed to steer the car away from the possible accident I was sure would happen.

I was driving home from a couple errands I had to run when I saw the car in front of me stop. I stepped on the brake and my foot went down to the floor. Nothing happened! I saw the car in front of me getting much closer and all I could think about was my daughter in the back seat. I didn't want her hurt. In a split second I saw a way to swerve to the right and around the quickly approaching car in front of me. The tires of my car screeched and finally my car came to a rest, next to but well in front of the back of the car that was originally in front of me. Had I not been able to swerve around it I would have certainly collided with it.

When I tried to drive and stop the car again I noticed that the brakes just were not working correctly. Luckily I was near the garage we take our cars to get repaired. I slowly made my way to the garage and Dennis came to meet me. I guess it was a good thing that he wasn't working today.

Now I know from the mechanic that the brake line was so corroded that it broke open. The second one was pretty bad too and also needed to be replaced. I have no idea why but Dennis only authorized the repair of the broken one. I had to explain to him that I wasn't going to drive a car that could have the brakes fail while I was driving and that both brake lines would have to be replaced. He eventually saw the wisdom in replacing both lines.

So the repair will cost $500.00 and we are so thankful for that severance package. We will manage to get through the summer. He will eventually get another job. I just wish we could catch a break and have something good happen to us soon. I am tired of being under the rain clouds.

My Graduate

Something good did happen today. My baby girl had her graduation from nursery school. She was so proud of herself too. Please click on the title to see a video clip.


Brace yourself there will be lots of photos, I am one of those mommies that takes photos of almost everything. The graduation started with the typical graduation march. The children walked into the room one at a time and most of them were all smiles. B did her typical smile with head tilted. Oh she is just too cute!


They did the Pledge of Allegiance. The flag was small and off to the side so some of the kids were facing one direction, others faced a different way and then others were looking at a different place. I totally understand, I had a hard time finding the flag. In fact most of the parents were looking at the graduates and I might have been one of the few facing the flag. I guess Cub Scouts is rubbing off on me.

Her teacher read a beautiful poem called the ABC Farewell. The children had sound-effects or songs to sing at certain points of the poem. This was the best part, some children would sing, some would do the motions. They skipped a letter and had to go back. It was priceless.


The children had songs specifically for Daddy and Mommy and the best was the Pizza Song. They all really enjoyed singing that song and they had the hand motions down pretty well too.


She received her diploma from her beloved teacher, she even shook her teachers hand when she was handed the diploma.


I really don't think it sank in that she was not going to see her friends again or her teachers either. She is really attached to all three of her teachers and loves going to school so much. Next week will be interesting. Maybe it will help with Daddy being home more,


Her teachers gave her a bucket, sidewalk chalk and bubbles as a gift and I received a great yearbook style scrapbook. It is a nice review of the year and lets me see some things I missed like Thanksgiving and St. Patrick's Day. Next year she starts pre-Kindergarten at our local elementary school. She knows she will be going to the same school as her big brother and she is all excited about that.

The Bump in The Road

Today my husband was laid off (Laid of with a severance package is just a nice way to say fired even though you did nothing to deserve it.) from his job of almost 10 years. He says he knew it was coming but was afraid to tell me. I was not prepared at all for it. The day just seems like an endless day of worry right now.

I should count my blessings. He was offered a decent severance package that should get us through the next few months. He also has a lead on another job, so I can hope that this is just a bump in the road. Eventually this too will pass and hopefully he can find a job that is even better than the one he had.

Bedtime - Snuggles, Cuddles, Tears, Fears and Surprises

There are days I find myself just loving being a mommy. At bedtime I snuggle with each child individually and talk about the days events. Somedays they snuggle more than other's. Today was a snugly day. Oh I treasure those days! I read to my daughter and she interacts with me and the book. She snuggles up next to me and gives me a huge hug. She always tells me the best thing about her day is going to school. I wonder how she will react next week when it sinks in that she will not see her teacher again.

My son is next. Usually he barely interacts with me at bedtime. The day takes its toll on him and he has no attention span by bedtime. Sometimes though he picks a book for me to read and actually pays attention. We snuggle and looked through a catalog and found things he wants for his birthday. Sometimes we have such a good time looking through the catalog that I almost don't want to send him to bed. Almost!

Oh these special nights where the world is just me and my children. I could just disappear into a world like that. To bad it doesn't last. Once we send them to bed the restlessness is now all we can focus on. The many tries they use to get our attention. The excuses they come up with. The banging, crying and sometimes screaming drive us up the wall. Often there is laughter and giggles that just won't stop.

We also have our share of monsters, luckily I have monster repellant at hand. Sometimes those pesky imaginary friends come to visit. Then there are the times the cat has invaded, through a wide open door that the children refuse to close. The excuses the children come up with show that they are much to smart. I am never surprised by whatever concoction they come up with to explain why they are not going to sleep.

Then of course those rare nights where they both just fall asleep quickly. We usually are surprised by those nights. Oh and we treasure them. Those are the nights when mommy and daddy can snuggle and cuddle. Those are the nights the wine comes out and a tv show that we both enjoy is shared. Those are the nights when we can reconnect and bond again. Those are the nights that work to repair our togetherness. Unfortunately tonight is not one of those nights.

At Least She Was Having Fun

If it's not one thing its another. This week has been so depressing. We are broke. I mean digging in the couch hoping to find a few pennies to put gas in our cars broke. Luckily we have food and have paid all our bills. Payday is coming up so this is temporary, well at east until the day before the next payday. I really want pop. I admit it I have an addiction to the bubbly nectar that comes in many size containers. I haven had any for three days now. I am craving it as I type this.

We don't use credit cards, and try to pay cash for everything. Many times we have to pass on things we want because we just can't afford them. Someday I will go back to work full-time and it will be easier then. But now we live paycheck to paycheck and still try to find activities we can afford that the kids will enjoy.

We thought that our daughter would love soccer. She has been begging to play soccer for over a year. We told her that she could when she was four. When she turned four she wanted us to sign her up right then and there. We somehow managed to get her to wait until the Spring League started in our city. When I told her I had signed her up to be on a team with her brother she was jumping up and down. We took her out for her precious pink soccer socks and shin pads and she smiled so much I thought her checks would hurt.

Then she played her first game, it was cold and she was unsure and she would have nothing to do with it. She played only when daddy was holding her hand. Today was practice and we thought she would be more sure of herself and practice like before. No such luck. She was lying down and rolling al over the field and would try to hide when the coach talked to her.

It pains me to say that my first reaction was to think of the money we spent for her to be on the soccer team and of course for those fancy pink socks. I felt so bad as soon as the thought went through my mind.

I have to say that she still was having fun and the coach was so good with her, not pushing to much and not making her feel bad because she wasn't participating. If you didn't know she was on the team you would think she was a sibling of one of the players on the team who was having a blast just rolling around the field. She did go back to participating at the end of practice.

I wish I didn't have the thought of wasted money during practice. I wish my family had a schedule that would allow me to look for part time work. When I think his schedule is consistent enough that I can get a job around it they go and change his hours and make it harder for me to get a job. I have had to turn down two jobs so far because the hours wouldn't work with his schedule.

So we are broke and searching for pennies. We return pop bottles to get snacks for the kids so they don't know how bad it is. We struggle to get by and sometimes I don;t know if we will. I will sign my daughter up for Irish Step Dance lessons this summer and hope she likes that more than soccer. I dream of my next bottle of pop and hope we can at least buy a pizza this weekend.