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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Things I Learned Today


Adults who grow up with a disability that is undiagnosed find ways to adapt. That adaption might be loudness when they talk or yelling when they feel attacked or vulnerable. I learned that from my son's education advocate. It helps me understand my husband better than ever before.

Tonight yet again we had a conflict. I knew I had not done what I was accused of. He yelled and of course I rose to the bait and yelled back. I yelled back! Had I just gone to the computer and looked at the screen before I reacted the argument wouldn't have occurred. Had I walked to my computer and looked up the transaction before I reacted the argument would not have occurred. I cannot throw all the blame at him for our arguments.

Eventually he did calm down and understood what happened and finally did apologize to me. It was my reaction to his action that led to this argument. Though his reaction was very accusatory and was designed as an attack. I need to stop taking the bait. So how do you learn to not take the bait? How do I stop myself from reacting? That has been how we have been with each other for such a long time that we seem on autopilot when we argue. I am going to have to relearn some behaviors to try to keep the peace.

I am finding that I have two choices. I can walk away from the marriage or I can try to adapt. Since I have been looking at this as a person adapting to a handicap I find that I can start to adapt and work on improving our marriage. The handicap can be called ADHD or Hyperactivity, asperger's or even Bob. It really doesn't matter what it is called. Since I have been approaching our marriage with this disability kept in mind things have improved. I have put a lot of effort into it, I know I will have to put more effort in to improve it more.

We are talking more, we are analyzing how we interact and we are learning to spend time together again. Hopefully in the near future we can start acting more like a married couple and less like brother and sister.

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