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The Chronicles of Pern: First Fall

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Hardest Change

I am so tired of him saying one thing and meaning another. I am tired of not knowing what he means and getting yelled at because I couldn't see what he meant to say. I am just so tired. I can only do so much before I just stop. I am the one who looks at the clock and keeps our family on a schedule. I am the one who fixes the frayed nerves of everyone else by the end of the day. I solve the arguments and keep us on track. When do I get my down time?

What I hate the most are the "asperger's fights" as I call them. When daddy and son both are stuck on their own stubborn idea and neither will budge I have to step in. I hate leaving them alone because if this happens without me around who will step in the keep the peace? I know m husband hasn't been diagnosed with asperger's but all evidence points in that direction.

He needs help, he needs to accept help. But he won't, at least I have nothing that leads me to believe that he will ever seek help. He uses such strong language of hatred whenever the subject is opened.

I know that I am at the door about to walk out, or rather ready to have him walk away. Still I don't hate him. I think that is why this is so hard for me. I still love him, but I definitely don't like him right now. If sounds like a conflict and I could never understand when I heard other people say similar things. Right now I worry about him. What will happen when all of this is over? Will he be able to handle it?

He has always said that our marriage would survive. He just knows it will all work out in the end. But he will put no effort into repairing all the cracks and chunks that have fallen out. If reminds me of people who are so religious that they are convinced that God will provide, what ever the crisis weather it be health or another crisis, God will save them. God could be saving them by the offered help, such as medical help, but they don't accept it and the worse thing happens. Oddly he can see it very clearly when others do that, but he can't see that he is doing the same thing that he mocks others for doing.

I fear this summer, I see no joy coming with it this year. I think I will be going through thinks I never thought I would have to do. I don't know how I will manage, and I am thankful for my friends and family who have given me so much support in the last few weeks. I see that he can't change so I am the one that will have to make the hardest change I think.

1 comment:

  1. It sounds corny, but I've heard the statement "Be the change you want to see." I think you are ready for the change. Maybe after seeing it in you, it will spark it in him.