Baby Steps

He came home after work and we talked while the children played. It was a nice conversation and we talked about changes that we both need to make. One of the main things is talking. We both even after 13 years often use words while talking that mean one thing to one of us and something completely different to the other one. You would think that after over a decade together that we could talk to each other and know what they are saying, but it isn't that way for us.

Now here is the kicker, how do we work on communication when we are so set in our ways. It seems to me that we have been individuals for so long it is hard to be a couple. We watch tv in separate rooms because we can't find many shows that we both can tolerate. Our interests are also as different for each of us as night and day.

For him in a perfect world life would revolve around hockey. Actually in our world it often does because he has an amazing ability. He can turn any conversation into a conversation about hockey. It can be funny sometimes, but other times it can be inappropriate.

I like "girly" things. I think since I had a daughter to play with it has gotten worse too. When my son was born my favorite color was blue, maybe a blue green. Now four years after my daughter was born I find myself drawn to purples and pinks. I don't even know when the change happened.

My husband is loud, his regular talking voice is loud. When he talks loud it sounds like yelling. It is hard not to react to his voice like yelling. His body language isn't right. He can't read body language well if at all. It annoys me that his body language is so out of sorts. He looks mad most of the time, add to that a loud voice and often I think he is mad at me and attacking me verbally. This is part of his asperger's I think.

We both have things we need to work on. I have been fighting depression and always have been a moody person. It can't be a picnic to live with me all the time. I am working on these things. I see both a psychiatrist and psychologist. I am taking meds to help offset the depression and help my thinking process be less muddled together. I had a run of several months this winter when I couldn't remember to do simple everyday tasks that needed to be done.

Now that my meds seem to be working I find myself overwhelmed by the state of my house. It is a disaster, and that is an understatement. It is so overwhelming that I get upset just thinking about how to get it cleaned up. I have made tentative steps in getting rid of all the clutter. I will have this house organized this year, I want to have people to visit.

I made that goal for my house and now I have a similar goal in my marriage. Baby steps are being made by both of us. I will stay in therapy and encourage him to come with me. I know I can't force him though. I will take my baby steps and hope he will walk at my side.