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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Why Mommy Gets a Night Out

I was so happy to go to an impromptu mommy whine night. It was so nice to get to talk with my mommy friends and just have a good time. I debated about what to bring. I was going to being some coolers but it was a bit of a drive so I settled for cheesecake. Cheesecake the amazing snack with the power to sooth a lot of mental aches and pains.

I still have problems figuring out when to speak during a conversation. It seems I always get it wrong. Especially in large groups. At least it's not as bad as it used to be when I would hide in the corner and not speak at all. I wish there was a timer or a clear sign I could see or hear to know when it was okay to speak. It is worse when there is more than one conversation going on. Often I get overloaded and almost shut down. I don't know who to listen to or which conversation to join.

I wonder what people would think of me if they knew all I want to do is curl up in ball and disappear. I force myself to participate in life. It is so hard for me to make eye contact with anyone and be part of a group. I always have this nagging feeling that when I leave a room everyone talks about me negatively and laughs at me.

It doesn't help that that is most of my memories from elementary school and junior high. I was the picked on kid. That is an understatement. I was the tormented one. It was so bad that I wanted to get away from public school and asked my parents to send me to a catholic high school.

Even in high school it was hard for me to trust people. I think I finally started breaking out of my shell in my senior year. I always refer to my first four years of college as my real high school years. I finally was forcing myself to participate in life and have some fun. Okay it was too much fun, because I didn't graduate from college for 16 years.

Now I get to go out with my mommy friends and I still think to myself, what do they really think of me, I feel so awkward because I don't really know how to be part of the group. I still find ways to hide in the corner if I feel overwhelmed. But I do participate. I do get to go out and practice being a human. I make sure I mingle whenever I get the chance. Because I know if I don't make myself participate by going out or even just posting in my groups I will just go back into my own world and disappear.

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