There Are Too Many Questions?

It was hard the few days that my husband was gone. But it was peaceful. Things flowed more easily and the children seemed happier. There was no yelling, Even when I had to discipline the children It was easier. It was difficult to do all of it alone. I know I could do it.

As soon as he came home we were back to the problems. He went back to making me feel like a horrible useless person. I am back to hiding in the bedroom so I don't need to interact with him much. He can be so cruel with his words. What's worse is he doesn't seem to understand that what he does and says causes so much pain.

Today was the day we dyed the eggs. We all go to my parents house and color eggs with my brother's family. It has been an Easter tradition for several years now. This year Dennis decided that he wouldn't join us. He says he never goes, maybe that is correct. I can't remember. Though I think I would remember him not participating. It seems that lately he is always getting out of family activities. He tries to avoid any activity that will keep him from watching his sports.

Today our daughter found her Easter Bag, the one from us that is filled with fun stuff. He knew she had the bag, she was playing with the items in the living room right in front of him. I was still asleep. When I woke up I had to punish her for taking the bag out of my room. Her father had seen her do it and watched her play with the items and he just let her. He said she wasn't supposed to have it but did nothing to correct the situation.

I had her collect all the items and bring them to me. I explained that I didn't know if the Easter Bunny will bring her a basket this year because she took the bag without asking. She was so upset. The tears were actually making my pants leg wet. I don't know if she will take anything out of our room again for a while. But why was it left to me. Somedays it really seems like I am the only adult in the house.

I think I have decided that I will leave. I just don't know when. I am not in a position too. I need to find a job. I need to go back to school to get my degree. Do I wait until I can support myself and the children? Do I kick him out? I have plants I want to plant, will I even be here to appreciate their beauty. So many questions, where do I get the answers.

Today he has yelled at me because my car is cluttered, He left the house while I was sleeping and left the kids with me. I really believe that he hates me and it makes me so sad. How did this happen? When did we start drifting apart and when did he start being so cruel with his words?

So many questions and no real answers. I just want to be happy again. I know I need to get out of here I just don't know how to do it.